I Need You Now
by Xi-Khaleesi
Summary: Takes place at the end of Mockingjay before epilogue.Peeta and Katniss realize just how much they need each other when faced with the possibility of being forever separated. Alone they aren't strong enough but together...they just might make it.
1. I need you now

My eyes briefly opened and took in the musty, dank cell I inhabited. The memories rushed back like a flood, now I know why I am here. I killed Coin. Snow planted the idea and I shot her instead of him. I was being punished, they were punishing the Mockingjay. I guess I deserved atleast this much. I can see it now, the symbol of the rebellion turned on her own leader and killed her in cold blood. Yes, that was me. I guess even now Mockingjay's have to be caged.

Hours pass as I am awake but unrelenting to move from the lumpy mat which is supposed to be some kind of excuse for a bed. I hear nothing except the tortures of my own mind. Faces of those I have lost flash before my eyes, as a constant unyielding source of pain. I do deserve this, this pain and confinement in exchange for the deaths of so many who died for me or because of me.

I hear my cell door slide open and shut briefly, I have no interest in who has come to see me.

"Katniss…" a somber voice echoes off the walls.

I know who it is and I can't bring myself to look at him. He kneels in front of me and gently tips my face to his.

"Why are you here, Peeta?" I whisper as I take comfort in the heat his body brings to the permanent chill in my body.

"Isn't it obvious?" He procures a chunk of bread from his pocket and places it in my shaking hands.

Yes. Yes it is obvious. I know he is here because whoever is in charge now must want answers from those closest to me. I've protected them all by acting alone. I let the arrow fly, it is I alone who will bear the full brunt of the punishment.

"You've told them all you know already. Why are you here for information?" I flick my eyes to his face and see the scared, confused boy in his eyes.

He uses the cloth from the bread he smuggled me to softly wipe dried blood from my forehead. I hadn't noticed the swollen injury until now. I think of how the tables are turned now that he is taking care of me as I did for him in the games.

He shakes his head, "You don't get it do you? Do you not understand as we speak, your fate is being decided? There is a room full of people decided whether you die today. I have to go back and listen to their verdict. I am here because I can't live without you Katniss. I have no one left but you." The way he ends his sentence suggest he doesn't understand why I am the only person he has left.

I see before my eyes the hijacked boy struggling to hold onto what is real, "This is real, Peeta. Everything you said is real and it's real that I need you too."

I place my hand over his heart and his hand clutches it, I can feel his body trembling as he makes sense of the real and not real. He stares deeply into my eyes with an intensity that assures me he's found what is real.

"Peeta," I whisper, "Whatever happens remember that this was real. My feelings for you are real, they always have been."

I shift forward and place my lips on his. He responds softly and envelops me into his arms. Reality slaps me in the face when Peeta's words finally impact me. I could die today, I could be taken from Peeta forever.

"Don't you dare talk like that, Katniss. If they take you from me today, I will follow you into the next life. If you care about me, please don't sit here and talk as if you've given up." He hasn't released me from his arms yet, not that I mind.

We sit wrapped in each other's arms, not sure who is holding who. Neither of us is strong enough to support the other, but together we are strong enough to bear the pain. Huddled in his arms brings me back to our first game, when we were entwined in the cave.

"Peeta, what happened after I killed Coin?" I just had to ask, it was the one thing I couldn't remember.

He stiffens, "Chaos. You were knocked out and Snow was shot. I tried to reach you but you were hauled off to this cell before some of the crowd had even registered what happened."

He is running his hand through the mangled remains of my hair, the remnants were to ragged to be braided. So Snow was dead, as was Coin. Maybe now if I get a chance to live again, just maybe I can find some hope in this world.

A loud knock from the door startles us both, Peeta begins to tense again, "I have to go back to the trial."

I let him stand up and I find the will to move off the mat, "Peeta…"

I am at a loss for words now. What do I say to the boy who's risked his life for mine as I have for his. There's not much to say that has already been made clear during the games. I softly kiss his lips again and bring myself to pull away.

"Thanks for the bread." I say.

He nods, "maybe it will save your life again."


	2. The Odds Are In Your Favor

I waited for Peeta to shut the door before I finally let the gravity of my position hit me. I was totally at the mercy of 13. Of course no one would understand why I did it, and those who had some idea of Coins true identity were long gone from this world. Not even Peeta understands why I did it, and I don't think I could ever tell him that Snow planted the seed in my mind. Minutes turned to hours as I waited for someone to come back and tell me if I was going to live or die.

I took to pacing my cell, wishing someone would let me know what was going on. My head flicked to the cell door as I heard quite a commotion between guards and what I assumed would be someone coming for me. The door bursts open and a surly looking Haymitch strides in. I can't help but wish Peeta was the one telling me my fate.

He looks at me and shakes his head, "Let's go sweetheart."

I follow him out of the cell and into another room. On a table is a long sleeved jacket, black pants and soft leather boots. I stare at Haymitch who seems to not want to make eye contact with me.

"Put them on in the bathroom, and hurry up." He motions to the bathroom on the far side of the room.

"Haymitch… whats going on?" I ask unable to move.

"Sweetheart, do as I tell you." He answers, I can sense in his voice that he is about to break.

I'm going to die… now I know my fate. Haymitch can't even look me in the eyes. I'm a dead girl walking. I scoop up the clothes and enter the bathroom. The outfit feels too much like a tribute outfit. Was this a joke? Dress me up like a tribute and then kill me? I stare into the mirror and take in the scarred, broken reflection. Now in this moment I wish I could have told Peeta that I love him. I'm sure of it now, I love him. I don't just need him, I love him. Now I will die without ever getting the chance to tell him.

Haymitch knocks on the door, "Mockingjay, we have to go."

I open the door and this time I find his gaze, I see the lifetime of pain within them. The cruelty the capitol and the games have forever changed this man. Maybe now that Snow and Coin are dead I have given Haymitch a chance to find some peace. I can't bear it any longer and I hug him, knowing I could never thank him enough for everything he has done.

"I don't want to go." I whimper into his chest.

His arms hold me like a father would his daughter, "I know…" is all he can say

He straightens me up and beckons me to follow. I don't pay attention to the pathway he is leading me on. I notice people peering out of doorways, wanting to get a glimpse of the Mockingjay on her last flight. We stop once we are above ground. I see a hovercraft not to far from us.

"This is as far as I can go, Sweetheart." He says and places a hand on my shoulder.

"Protect him, Haymitch. Please? He won't come around from this. Gale will deal. Watch my mom too." Its all I can do to stand up anymore.

I want to collapse on the ground, but if Peeta, Gale and my mom are watching I have to stay strong.

"Hasn't that been the deal all along? Protect him?" Haymitch responds.

He leans forward and whispers into my ear, "on that hovercraft when you're alone look in your pocket."

He motions for me to head to the craft now. I walk down an aisle of heavily guarded soldiers. I grasp the metal rung of the ladder and I am ascending into the belly of the machine now. So, they won't kill me here? Maybe they will televise it, perhaps in 12. Now wouldn't that be great. Execute the Mockingjay in her own home. Genius, I marvel at the idea in my head.

Inside the craft a guard handcuffs one of my hands to a bar on the wall and tells me to sit down. He retreats to the front with the pilot and I am left alone now. I quickly slip my free hand into my pocket and find a tiny folded piece of paper. I notice the guard turn around and I stop moving. I am too paranoid to try again. I wait until we land and I am escorted into a building. From the short glimpse of my surroundings I know I am not home in 12, I am in the capitol.

My stomach plummets into my feet and a cold sweat break upon my skin. I want to run but the guard behind me with a gun would shoot me before my foot even left the ground. He leaves me in a dimly lit room. I am alone, but probably not for long. I grab the piece of paper and read the scrawled words, _the odds are in your favor_. I glare at the writing and don't know what to make of it. Was Haymitch joking? I am about to die, what odds are in my favor? The answer is none.

Before I know it another guard comes in and blindfolds me. Cowards, I think briefly. Maybe I want to see who the lucky person is who gets to shoot me. The guard pushes me toward a platform and barks at me, warning me not to move.

I feel the platform moving slowly, but I'm not sure in which direction. I feel a breeze across my forehead, alerting me I am outside now.

A voice booms out of nowhere, "Ladies and Gentlemen, never before in history have we had an event like this. In face of a new era, why not update a classic!"

This all feels too real now. They are mocking me, making a game out of my execution. I hate them for this. Have I not suffered enough in the eyes of those who watched me in my first game and the quell? Was it not enough to watch me fight for them on camera? Now they have to slap me in the face with this. Angry tears blossom from my eyes, maybe I should just move now and get it over with. Have them kill me now before they can humiliate me any further.

"Remove your blindfold and face your fate!" The announcer beckons.

I rip the blind fold off and watch it flutter to the ground. I am surrounded by a grassy prairie with grasses as tall as I am. I can barely make out anything around me but the faint glimmer of the cornucopia infront of me. This is so cruel. I know what will happen now, they will make me wait 60 seconds and I'll have to go to the cornucopia and await my death there. _The odds are in your favor._ Haymitch… what have you done? I have nothing in my favor except what I hope can be a painless death. But even that is unreachable… how long will I scream and beg for death before they grant it?

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the 76th Hunger Games!"

I hear the ticking begin, and I think what would Haymitch have me do now? Of course it is clear, give them a show. Oh, and I will. I will give them a show worthy of the Mockingjay. The ticking continues, its winding down now. 5…4…3…2…1. The blaring horn echoes and I sprint through the tangled grasses. I think of nothing but the show they want, and the one I will give them. I burst through the grass and find the cornucopia littered with goods. I spot a bow and quiver of arrows. I grab it and the back pack next to it and turn to take in my surroundings. Something happens now that I never expected, I am knocked to the ground by a burly boy. He brandishes a knife and lunges for my heart. With out thinking I am on my feet and bury an arrow into his chest. A cannon explodes and more people break through the grass. It hits me now… it is real. I am not going to die right now, but tomorrow I could. Hell, even tonight. I tear off to my left and sprint into the grass again heading for a forest of evergreens in the distance. The screams and sounds of fighting behind me. I can't even believe it now… I am back in the arena again


	3. What if 3rd time isn't a charm?

3rd times a charm

I'm not sure how long I ran, but I had to keep going every time I thought of stopping. A million things were running through my mind. How could they do this again? Yes, I had voted to for another game but not for me to be its star. This was worse than death, I'd take a bullet to the brain before I want to spend another minute in this retched place. They didn't train any one… or at least if they did I didn't know it. Now it all made sense, the odds were in my favor. I survived this 2 times before… so 3rd time's a charm, right? Or maybe my lucks run out and this will be it, my last hurrah I guess.

I busy myself in search of a shelter and come across nothing in the dense forest of pines. I'll have to sleep in the trees, which will be obvious for anyone who saw me in the first games. Its not yet dark so I nestle myself on the ground hidden in the low hanging pine braches. I dig through the backpack and find a thin blanket, a pocket knife, a chunk of bread, matches, and yes of course an empty canteen. I wish I had the spile from the quell so I could tap these trees. I know I have to find water, and soon. I don't know how many days I was in the cell, with out food and water. I am weak, and exhausted. I look around for anything that could be a clue to water.

Through the branches of the trees I hear an eagle scream in the air. I glance a shining silver fish in its claws. I race in the direction it came from hoping that I can find a stream, lake or anything. I stealthily move through the trees trying not to disrupt the ground and the trees. The trees are becoming less dense. I use this chance to catch my breath and listen for anything. Between my ragged breaths I hear a trickling stream. I move forward and stopped suddenly as I heard a branch snap and some hiss, "careful!"

I climb into a tree and find myself looking dowm upon a clear little stream and two of my competitors. They don't look intimidating, but looks are deceiving. They are filling canteens as well. I pray that they move on, if not I have my bow trained on them ready to pick them off. I can't afford to think twice about their intents.

"Did you see Everdeen? I wonder if she made it out of the cornucopia." The girl says.

"Yeah I saw her running away" The boy shrugs it off.

"Damn… she's the one I'm worried about." She frets, yes that's right be afraid of me.

"Don't worry about her there are others much more dangerous than a wounded Mockingjay." He sneers.

I see what is coming next but the girl doesn't, he whips around and buried a knife into her neck. She screams, for a second it reminds me of Rue. She was young like her, that boy probably used her to find water. He's cleaning his knife and watching her bleed out. I climb down from the tree and burst into his view, before he can even defend himself I sink an arrow into his heart. He's dead before he hits the ground. Another cannon sounds, and I know I don't have time. I spring through the shallow creek and kneel by the helpless girl. I place my hand over the lethal wound on her neck. No herbs or bandage will save her, there is nothing I could have done but avenge her murder.

"How many started the game?" I ask as she weakens by the second.

"10" she gurgles.

I softly push her blond hair out of her eyes, "Why are you in these games?"

It's breaking my heart she's Prim and Rue, and again none of this is fair. I can't contain the tears anymore.

"Capitol." She chokes, and I sob harder.

"I did this to you." I cry, "I wanted your people to know what this feels like. I am so sorry."

She shakes her head, "No, my grandpa did this to you."

I stare into her eyes and I know who she is, Snow's granddaughter. I am speechles and unable to move.

"Let me go please." She begs, "Take my things and win."

I remove my hand from her neck and hold her hand as she dies, I continue to cry as the sound of Evangeline Snow's cannon resonates. I move swiftly to dump her backpacks contents into mine and move away from the scene after filling two bottles with water. Now I know at least 3 are dead, 2 by my own doing. I don't know how many also perished at the cornucopia, so I made it a priority to camp high in a tree to see the screen tonight.

Night is descending quickly, as I move back into the forest. I find a decent tree and scale it. Nestled on a large branch I survey the sky knowing soon enough the something will happen. Faces of the dead appear, only one other added to the 3 I knew about. 5 others stood between myself and getting out alive.

I sip water and eat only a little bread, wishing and hoping my boy with the bread was okay. Was he watching me right now? If he was I prayed he would have the sense to walk away before he watched me suffer here. It would destroy him as it did to me when Snow tortured him and presented him in the videos. Selfishly I wished he was here, having him with me made my goal clear. Save him, and get out alive. Now I feel alone and have no one to protect. But suddenly its clear. My goals… survive this, go home, and rescue the boy with the bread from his own nightmares.


	4. The Games of Capitol Kids and Criminals

Everything feels like its falling apart, even I feel like I'm falling. My torturous night in the tree proved to be a bad idea. I am sprawled on the ground trying my best no to scream from the exploding pain in my ribs. I lost count of how many branches I hit on my way out of the tree, but I'm sure it was enough to seriously damage my ribs.

I just want to lay here and wait for someone to finish me off. Who am I kidding now I can't even hold up my bow without pain. I'll be an easy kill now. I can almost hear Haymitch, _Move. Move now._ Its pre-dawn, and the dew covered forest is eerily quiet and calm. I stand up, sweat pouring from my face. I rummage in my back pack looking for what new things I took from Evangeline. I find a first aid kit with a measly small pack pain pills. No doubt they are some simple drug for headaches or minor things, what I need is morphling and I won't get that here. I take them hoping if anything they will take the edge off. I've gained a plastic tarp, flashlight, and dried fruit.

I've started walking not sure what I am in search of maybe another person, or an animal for food. I must have been walking for an hour before I notice the sky has never brightened. I glance up and see the black roiling sky. It is scary and unnatural, this has to be something the gamemakers created. I quicken my pack to find a substantial shelter which will be hard to find in the prairie I've been crossing for a while now. I perch on a rock to give me a chance to see over the grass. I spot a rocky hill in the west and hasten to reach it before whatever the sky is about to produce. I've been moving quicker for nearly 10 minutes before terror strikes. Lightning and hail is pouring from the sky a mile behind me and moving fast. The grass is almost flattened with the wind and I am completely exposed. I have to run as I try my chest explodes in blinding pain but I can't stop. I am more afraid of the watermelon sized hail and deadly lightning. I hear 2 distinct cannon blasts. I find the source of the deaths, the forest I had just spent the night in is set ablaze by lightning. Others must have been hiding there too. I am so close to the hill and I can see the monstrous rocks covering it. There are not many places to hide, the only one big enough for myself is almost in my reach. Out of nowhere a boy sprints into view heading for my spot. He has seen me and brandishes throwing knives. He holds the advantage being higher up on the hill than I am. I am not about to give up now as one of his knives flies past my head. I drop down behind a rock and draw my bow. It hurts like hell before I can even draw the full length. I have to make this quick, I have no stamina to hold the bow and I've started to tremble. I will be a terrible shot the longer I try to keep this up. I jump up and focus on him. He hasn't moved, he's poised to throw his knife again. He releases the knife but he is too slow, my arrow slices his neck open. I'm disappointed that I didn't hit his chest, now I will have to wait until the hover craft claims him. Time is not on my side, the lightning and hail are dangerously close. The heavens have opened up and a steady rain has commenced. I wait and wait for his cannon but now I probably won't hear it over the elements.

Over my head soars in the hover craft and carries his body away. I waste no time moving in for the rocky cave that extends into the hill. I clamber inside just as a bolt of lightning strikes. It electrifies the air around me, making my hair stand on end. I'm safe now, I tell myself. I take a moment to address the stinging pain across my stomach. I unzip my jacket and find blood blossoming from a long cut across my belly. Its not deep, but it is bleeding. I have no recollection of being cut by his knife, but I guess all that matters is that I'm still alive.I find the first aid kit and wrap layers of gauze around my stomach after wiping it with water and an ointment. I marvel that besides my hair and boots I am dry. I touch the knit material of the pants and wonder how they could be waterproof when they feel like thick tights.

I perch myself at the entrance of the cave and watch the lighting storm destroy the arena. It lasts for hours, and I strain my ears to hear another cannon. I wouldn't be that lucky I know that the gamemakers will make me sweat it out. That night the faces of the 3 dead are broadcast, it has set in now that 2 of us are left. There is no knowing what will happen, all I know is that I can wait for now but eventually I will be drive out for the showdown. I've deducted that there were 5 boys and 5 girls. I have also learned that as each person is displayed in the sky the word "Capitol" or "Criminal" accompanies it. These new games are for the children of the capitol and criminals. There are also 5 criminals, and 5 capitol children. I am left to battle a boy from the capitol.

A whole day passes, and the next morning as I predicted I am driven out of my cave. It is blistering hot outside and I have long since been out of water. My gauze is gone, I wear the last remnants now. I'm sure I have an infection in my wound and the broken ribs have settled into a constant searing pain. I'm battered, worse than I have ever been in the other games. I strip off my jacket and tie it around my waist. Even the thin shirt I am wearing is too much. The gamemakers are driving us toward water. What's left of the prairie is a scorched wasteland. I am so exposed and there is nothing I can do about it. The insane heat adds to the unbearable pain in my ribs. I stumble and fall to the ground. The intense jarring provokes a mangled scream that I am to slow to try and muffle. I've given myself away for sure, it will only be a matter of time before I am found. I've been here 4 days, or at least I think so. I have no will to move anymore, the ash and dirt on the ground have coated my clammy body. I stare at the grey, blacks, and browns mixed on my skin. I think of Peeta and how he would have painted on our skin to hide us. I wish I could have kissed his lips on more times and snuggled into his strong arms.

Before my eyes I see Peeta and myself in 12, happy and in love. I watch us dance in the meadow stealing kisses and laughs. The scene changes and I see us in the bakery. Peeta's strong arms over mine showing me how to knead the dough. He kisses me and my doughy hands sneakily run through his hair. He smiles and tosses a hand full of flour at me. We are consumed with laughter and covered in baking products.

I open my eyes and find I'm not where I want to be, I am still collapsed in the dust. How long have I been like this. I stagger to my feet and set my sights on the forest of pines that is smoldering in the heat. My heart aches now with the pain of knowing what I just made up in my head is not real.

I stumble into the edge of the forest and seek shade under a pine tree that's managed to hold on to some of its plumage. The shade gives me temporary shelter and a chance to clear my hazy mind. I am hallucinating visions of Peeta and myself. I need to find water and get out of here. One more night in this wretched place will be the end of me. I dig out my pack of dried fruit and slowly eat, plotting my next move. I left my back pack in the cave, intent on this being the end. I have a knife tied to my boot, my empty canteen slung over my shoulder with my quiver and my bow in my hand. I rest for an hour, and build up the strength to move on to the stream I saw my first day.

Two hours I have spent skirting the edge of the forest and the prairie. I want to keep all of it in my view, so I can see my opponent coming or if I'm lucky sneak up on him. I figure my time hallucinating gave him the upper hand. Its way past midday by the time I finally hear the trickling water. I push through the brush and sprint to the water. I splash it on my face and body. I repeat this several times as it soothes the angry red patches of sunburn on my face and arms. I relish in the cool water, but something shakes me from my reverie. Just behind me I hear a loud snap. I spring back and reach for my bow, but find it snapped in half. I am on my feet and facing my opponent, my knife held dangerously in front of me.

"What's a poor broken bird to do without her bow?" He mocks me, "Lover boy can't save you now."

I observe him closely; he is hunched forward, holding his stomach as if it pains him. He looks pale and clammy, maybe a fever? I can't see any visible wounds on his body.

He notices me looking at him, "Poison. The water is full of it. What do ya say we give them a show, as neither of us are going to be standing for much longer."

So he is dying of poison, and all I can think of now is if I licked my lips after I splashed my face. If I am dying, might as well give them the show of a lifetime. I lunge for him and take a great swing with the knife. He dives away but I manage to slice his thigh. I rip off my canteen and quiver as they are useless and holding me back now. He is up and charging me with his own knife, a fearsome serrated long blade. I swerve out of his way but stumble over a fallen branch. My rib is screaming in pain and I can barely breathe without blinding pain.

He lunges for me on the ground, his knife slicing wildly and connects with my upper arm, A deep wound spurts blood, the pain is nothing compared to my ribs which collided with his knee. Knives are abandoned as I see him wheezing and clutching his chest. I knock him to the ground and we resorts to fists. I hand the upperhand and assault his face and stomach hoping to subdue him. He is large and muscular and one strong swing with his fist collides with my damaged ribs. I am screaming in pain as I roll away from him. My hands cradle my side, as I scream as if it will help the pain. Hot tears run from my eyes, something is not right now. I can feel the jumbled mess of my ribs. I have to have punctured an organ and maybe a lung. I can barely fill my lungs. He drags himself over to me, smiling in what he thinks is his victory. He leans over my curled body, laughing. He thinks the poison has finally caught up to me.

"I am going to enjoy watching you die." He sneers, his own body succumbing to the poison has turned him ghostly white.

"What's your name I at least want to know if you are going to enjoy my death" I pant in a barely audible voice.

"Grayson." He chokes and collapses under his weight.

"Well… Grayson" I sputter, "I think it is I who will get to watch you die."

I make it to my knees and pick my knife up, Grayson's eyes are wild and in a last ditch effort he lunges for me. His knife slices from the top of my shoulder down my chest. I scream in searing pain and watch him fall away, dead before he touches the ground. My knife sticks out of his chest, but I know it wasn't the fatal blow, the poison claimed him first. The cannon sounds, and I lose my will to stand now. I lay bleeding and broken, knowing if I survive this moment I will see my boy with the bread again.


	5. Real or Not Real?

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am a criminal. I just won the 76__th__ hunger games. I have just suffered a fate worse than death. And I have no idea if I will be allowed to live after this._

My eyes flutter open and I take in a blindingly white room. I'm on a soft bed and I'm in pain. It takes only a minute for me to remember who I am, why I'm here and how I got hurt. I can't believe I made it out of the games again. I am in a hospital in the capitol, that last place in the whole of Panem that I ever want to be in. The capitol and 13 have done this to me. I was… no I still am a criminal. Surely winning the new games doesn't equal a clean slate. So why am I still alive? Why did they bother to heal my wounds. Actually, why did they leave me to suffer my rib injury?

I closely examine my body and find changes, my patchwork fire-mutt skin has evened out and the disastrous calamity of my hair has been lengthened. Fixing my outside doesn't make my inside feel any better. I feel empty, and scared. I want to go home, and live out my life with the boy of my dreams. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, that is a lie. Absence makes the hear realize just how hard it is to live without each other.

I notice now that someone has entered the room. A tall man in a doctors coat approaches me.

"Katniss, how are you feeling?" He asks with a soft, warm smile.

I don't even know what to say, no emotion or feeling comes to mind that would appease his question. It only makes tears well in my eyes as I think of the fresh horrors I have lived through on top of the multitude in my past.

"We'll work on that question later." He offers, "I just want to tell you your rib injury will take time to heal. It was very damaged, and we did the best would could. 3 of your ribs are synthetic pieces. The rest have been treated with our medicine. There is a bandage around your chest that is providing support and transferring pain medicine into the site directly."

I nod as he checks on the places where knife wounds used to be, "These left barely a scar. There is the faintest white line for them, you will barely know they were there."

That's where he is wrong. I remember exactly where they were and how it felt to have a knife cleave through my skin on my shoulder.

He says good bye and opens the door for a young girl to walk in. She is carrying a bag and a tray, she smiles and walks up to my bed. She exudes Capitol culture, her hair canary yellow and its twisted up with cotton candy pink flowers. She has small pink flowers, like a cherry blossom tree tattooed on her arm. It is quite lovely against her soft light brown skin.

"My name is Blossom, I'm going to get you dressed and ready to go." She smiles.

I offer a small smile, but even that is forced, I just didn't want to be mean to this nice girl. After a painful struggle to get me standing and zipped into a pale buttery cream colored dress. It is feminine and gives me shape despite the weight I've lost again. Something about the dress and the soft delicate precision I see in it feel familiar. Blossom is finishing up a very natural make-up except for the smoldering eyes she's created for me.

"Who made this dress?" I whisper, I notice how frail and alien my voice sounds.

She smiles, "I think you know that answer."

I do, Cinna made this. I am about to cry again as I think of my beloved designer. I turn to Blossom and I think she sensed my next question.

"I'm his daughter. He showed me this dress, he made it for you before he died. He told me that if I ever had the chance to style you, it was imperative that you wear this dress. He said that one day the girl on fire would need this dress. He said that after the flames have extinguished and the destruction is done there is room for new life and new hope."

I can't even process it all, and what she has said is exactly true. The rich pure color reminds me of soft glowing hope of a new day. I reach out and hug her, it's all I can do because even thank you is not enough. I decide because I couldn't say no to something so perfect from Cinna that I would not complain about the high heels to match the dress.

"I must go now, I'm really glad I got to meet you." She smiles and takes in her creation on my body.

"Thank you, Blossom. Really… I just can't even describe how much this means to me." I say as I can imagine Cinna saying _twirl for me._

I slowly spun around and Blossom smiles, "That just made it complete."

She waves goodbye and next comes in a guard, "Miss Everdeen, please follow me."

In light of Cinna occupying my mind, I have forgotten the fact that I may have just been healed and dressed up to killed. I slowly follow the guard and try to ignore the two other than have joined the escort behind me. I was risk still, I was unpredictable and I was still a criminal. Each step jarred my ribs in the most unpleasant way. I was lead outside to a hovercraft and a man waiting by the ladder. He looked fairly important.

I stood before him not sure what to do since he was probably the one to kill me.

"Mrs. Everdeen, you're successful win in the 76th games has eliminated your criminal status. I hope that with the lesson you have learned here you will not revert to criminal behavior. If you shall, repeat offenders will not be given this option. Death will be the punishment that awaits you if you fall back to your criminal ways. As head gamemaker I pardon your criminal status, you are henceforth a free citizen of Panem."

I don't know who he is but I would very much like to hit him. He is speaking to me like I am unworthy of his attention. I want to leave immediately, I have just met the man who tortured me in the games. I am supposed to let it go and thank him for pardoning me. Did he expect me to say thank you and profess that I am forever in his debt. He will get no such thing from me. I grab onto the ladder and ascend into the craft. This time I am not chained to a wall. I am allowed to sit comfortably.

The Capitol is disappearing in the background, and finally I can let myself realize I won't be dying today. I am going back to 13, but most importantly I am coming back to Peeta. He is my home, and my everything. I close my eyes and think back to the hallucinated dreams of myself and Peeta. Even through the dreams the arena flashes back into my mind. It makes me cringe and my body trembles. I'm haunted by the faces of those I killed and the ones I couldn't help. I already suffered from nightmares of my other games, and the deaths of my father and sister. It seems that even now, as a free citizen I am held prisoner in my own mind.

I feel the craft land, and instantly my heart begins to race. I don't know what to expect, all I hope is that Peeta is okay. The pilot opens the hatch and lets me descend the ladder first. My feet touch the tarmac and in the distance I see one person. I can't make out who it is, so I slowly make my way to whoever it is.

I break into a sprint I will no doubt regret later, "Haymitch!" I cry out.

He stands with a smile on his face and his arms out stretched. I hug him ignoring the throb in my ribs again.

"Sweetheart… you did it." He sighed and places a gentle kiss on my temple. "I am so proud of you."

I'm crying now, "Haymitch… you could have gotten in trouble by giving me that clue!"

"It'll be our little secret, Mockingjay." He smiles, and wipes the tears off my face.

He guides me toward the door to go back into the depths of 13. I can't say that I am happy to be here after all these people decided that I must be punished by return to the hunger games. If more of them had known what it was like to live through the games once, I bet they would have chosen death before going back again. Or for the fact, going back a third time I can guarantee none of them would ever do that.

"Where is everyone?" I ask, but mostly all I want to know is where Peeta is.

"Dinner I suppose…"

We end up at the dining hall and Haymitch opens the door for me. Inside is everyone still alive who cares about me. I stare into the faces of Gale, my mom, Annie, Beetee, among other of 13 who have never wronged me.

I search and don't find Peeta anywhere. I bury my disappointment inside and rush inside to my mother. She holds me and we cry. We cry for Prim and the horrors she had to watch me live through a 3rd time. Gale hugs me tightly and seems to only be concerned with how I am feeling. The last thing I want to talk about is how I feel. It feels great to find support in my friend and family here, but one big portion is missing. I know it and so does everyone else. I find some of my appetite and go to make a tray of food. I am alone in the line when I hear all background noise stop. I turn around and find the one person I want most standing in the middle of the room. Eyes are trained on him then on me. They don't know who to watch first. Some people in the room know how Peeta and I really feel, but more only know the semi-faked romance of the star-crossed lovers of District 12.

My tray falls to the floor is a resonating clatter. I sprint toward him as he does the same. Somewhere in the middle I melt into his arms. His strong body cradles my own in the embrace I was desperate for. His eyes find mine, and I've lost all control. I kiss him, reveling in the wonderful feeling of it all. His hands pull me closer to him yet, as our kiss deepens. I've become unaware of the audience we have, the only that matters to me in the boy I'm in love with.

I had to breathe eventually, I painfully break away and lift my hands to his face feeling it to make sure this is real.

"Real." He smiles.

"Peeta…" I whisper.

"You came back to me." He sighs and kisses me again.

I smile and break for air, "Peeta… I love you."


	6. Crazy For You

My beautiful Peeta stares into my eyes, taking in my profession of love for him. I notice no one in the room anymore. In my mind it is just the two of us. His hands wrap around my waist as a warm smile plays on his lips.

"Its real, I promise. Peeta I do love you." I repeat.

I know he loves me, he always has but I want him to say it right now. I need to hear him say it, even though how he's held me and kissed me makes it clear that he does love me.

"I love you, Katniss Everdeen. I always have." My lips catch his in another searing kiss.

"As much as we all want to watch this happy reunion, why don't you two run off and let the rest of us stomach our food." Haymitch taps us on the shoulders and smiles.

We don't need to be told twice, Peeta takes my hand and leads me away from the room. He stops at his room along the way and grabs a blanket.

"I want to take you somewhere." He says and I follow him out the doors back to the ground level.

He leads me to a new area. It is fresh, green and new. He lays down the large blanket and I see a bottle of wine and two glasses. He shrouds us in the warm blanket and hands me a glass with a sweet, floral wine.

"How do you have this?" I ask as I sip the wine.

"Things have changed. It's allowed in moderation. Look around Katniss. They're rebuilding 13." He pulls me closer into him, I can't help but feel complete with him next to me.

I do see, even in the evening light that frames of buildings have started as well as trees and plants already scatter the ground. I can't even think of a better moment that what is happening right now. I am surrounded and loved by my boy with the bread. We are cuddled together in a soft patch of new earth, and everything is perfect. His lips leave a trail of kisses along the side of my face. My stomach is set a flutter with happy butterflies.

"What made you finally say you love me?" He whispers into my ear.

"I knew from our first game that in my heart there was always a spot for you, it took me a while to realize that the spot needed you. Having you taken from me in the quell solidified it. Being sent back to the arena made me want you even more, it was all I could do to not let the separation kill me. It was crippling. I hated myself for letting you walk out of my cell without telling you exactly how I felt. I knew if I made it out alive I was going to find you and tell you, and pray that you felt the same."

"I've always loved you, even when the hijacking made me hurt you. My mind told me I wasn't in love but my heart told me otherwise. It was horrible knowing that then when I would look at you I felt confusion. Now I look at you and I'm taken away complete consumed with love for you." He says sweetly.

Our lips touch and it's like electricity flowing and caressing my body. I can't get enough of this boy, forever will never be long enough. The minutes pass as we kiss and refill out glasses. I'm warmed to the core with wine and Peeta's love. We've abandoned the glasses and now lay twined together, my head perched on his strong chest. The position is uncomfortable for my ribs, but I don't ever want to move if it means leaving his arms.

"Can I ask you something and can you answer it honestly?" Peeta asks somberly his hand stroking my hair.

"Okay" I mumble as I really didn't want to talk, I just wanted to feel.

I know what he is going to ask before he even opens his mouth, "Are you okay?"

I know the real answer will break his heart. No, I am not okay. How could anyone be okay after 3 hunger games? Look at what 2 games have done to Peeta and what the games have done to Haymitch and Annie. None of us are okay.

"One day I will be." I respond because a simple yes or no just won't do.

My traitorous eyes cloud with tears and Peeta catches on, "Shit… Katniss I'm sorry. I never should have asked." He rolls over so we are face to face.

"I'm sorry." I hiccup and I'm consumed with anger, fear, and terror again.

He doesn't say anything but hold me close and let me cry it out. He knows there are no words that will make the nightmares and visions go away. He knows that all too well.

"I've completely ignored you, I haven'e asked you if you're okay." I stammer.

"Don't worry about me, all that matters now is that you are here in my arms." He kisses my forehead.

My mind wonders, and I hope the answer to the question I am about to ask is no. I look him in and the eye and gather the courage to speak.

"What happened when I was in the arena? Did they broadcast it like always? Peeta… please tell me you didn't watch." I breathe raggedly as I wait for his answer.

"I watched. They had it on screens all over the complex. I sat right here at watched the whole time. I needed to see you."

I shake my head, "Peeta… you shouldn't have. I hurt people, I don't want you to remember that about me."

He tips my face to his, "All I remember is each time you got hurt and how I would have personally made each person pay for ever scratch and every broken bone. You had a knife carve a gash from your shoulder to your rib, another cut across your stomach, and your mangled ribs. I watched because if the moment came and you died, I would have taken these." He shows me the nightlock pills in a clear bag.

I wrap my hand around the pills and hurl them away from us and he continues, "I didn't lie when I said I will follow you into the afterlife, be it your death by the games or your punishment for Coins death. I have no family left, no home in 12. All I have is you, Katniss. It will be all I ever need. As long as I have you, the pain goes away. Having you in my life makes each morning worth waking up for if it means I get to see you the minute my eyes open. I don't feel sorry for watching you fight and win. You are a fearsome and beautiful creature, Katniss Everdeen. No matter what they call you, criminal, Mockingjay or anything else, all you will ever be to me is the most beautiful woman in the world."

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him like I've never kissed someone before. He breaks the kiss and continues to kiss a trail down my neck. My hands wind into his shirt and pull him closer. I don't even care that Peeta's added weight on me makes my ribs scream in pain. I find his lips again and get lost in our kiss. Peeta's hand trails my body and hooks behind my leg. He hitches my leg up and the movement has caused me to bear my weight on my injured ribs. I gaps and see white from the intense pain. I start panting and clutch my side. Peeta is off of me in a flash and gingerly pulling me to a sitting position.

"I guess that was the sign to stop before we got ahead of ourselves…" He say and then I watch him stifle a laugh.

"What?" I remark, "What's so funny?"

He shrugs it off and concerns himself with my ribs, "Are you okay? You don't think the broke again do you?"

"They are tender and sore, I just have to be careful." I tell him and watch him turn purple in the face, trying to hold back a laugh.

"Peeta…" I warn.

"Well that's good… I was startin to think you couldn't handle this." He motions to himself.

I'm flabbergasted, Peeta has never acted like this but I oddly like this side of him. I raise an eyebrow and look him up and down.

"I can handle you, I'm concerned about you handling me." I smile slyly and crawl toward him.

I straddle his waist and place a finger on his chest and push him to the ground, "I know the girl who was on fire is a tough act to measure up to."

My hand rakes down his shirt and I watch him become putty in my hands. Before I know it I am cradled into his arms and gently lain on the blanket. He smirks and leans over me with his beautiful eyes full of delight and happiness.

"Oh the thing is my lifetime of baking has equipped me to tame the fire and handle the heat. I know how to push and pull the flames." As he says this his hand strokes back and forth on my shin.

I smile as it tickles, he continues, "I know how to make the fire smolder and how to make the flames explode." His hand traipses past my knee and toys with the hem of my dress

He caresses his hands on the tops of my thighs, and I can't help by feel the butterflies surge back with vengeance. He smiles when I catch his eyes and raise an eyebrow, daring him to continue if he can handle it.

"Look now folks, see how the flame has smoldered away." He laughs, "the fire thinks I can't handle it, but I can."

I laugh and throw my hands over my face, "The fire thinks is funny that the baker must ensure himself that he can handle the fire. Clearly he has handled the fire before."

He looks at me intirigued as to what I am getting at, "I think it is clear enough you can handle me, and I you, seeing as we are married and had a baby on the way at one point."

We stare at each other and collapse in laughter. My point has sealed….well whatever it was that we were trying to prove, that of which I am still unsure of.

He lays next to me and smiles, "You are crazy."

"No." I smile, "Not crazy, just crazy for you."


	7. I hate her, the girl in the mirror

I wake for once knowing that I am safe. I know that because I am enclosed in the arms of my wonderful Peeta. I didn't have a nightmare, and I have put my faith into the idea that it was because I stayed with Peeta all night. I lay in his arms listening to the soft, effortless breaths he takes and the occasional snore. I softly brush his shaggy hair out of his eyes and smile as I see dazzling blue eyes staring back at me.

"Good morning beautiful." He whispers and kisses my cheek.

"So what are the days like here?" I mumble

"No more schedules. Most of us are helping rebuild outside. Mostly the men build the houses and businesses. The women are working on planting trees and other things. We pretty much do what we want, but it's expected that we help. Meals are still at the usual times but there's fluctuation with the times. If you're late, it's not a big deal."

Peeta gets up and goes about getting ready for the day. I kiss him goodbye and make my way to my own suite. My mother is gone, burying herself in her work to forge the pain of losing Prim. I don't blame her, I don't want to be in this room either. I jump into the shower, braid my hair and search for clothes. I find a pair of black leggings, my soft leather boots and gingerly slip in soft green t-shirt. I don't know what to do with myself. I leave the suite and find Gale about to knock on my door.

"Catnip." He smiles, "President Paylor wants to talk to you."

I shake my head, "No, I have nothing to say to her or anyone else who sent me to those games." I refuse adamantly.

"It wasn't her fault, Katniss." Gale states and catches my hand before I turn and walk away.

"Gale!" I gasp, "Don't you understand that Paylor and all of her people sentenced me to the games. They did do this to me. You don't even know how much I hate myself for everything I've been forced to do in the games. I look in the mirror and I don't like myself!"

Gale looks at me, "I get it Catnip. I do. Just go talk to her."

I pull my hand away, "If you got it, then you wouldn't be standing here telling me to go talk to them. I hate it here, I didn't want to come back. I want to go home to 12."

"There's nothing left for you there Katniss!" He yells.

I don't see Gale anymore, I see Grayson's angry face and him slicing my skin open. I sprint away, hearing him angrily taunt me "Katniss!" "Katniss!". The yells fade away and I tear across the tarmac and into the woods. I do not understand how I am still in the games. All that matters know is that none of the past days was real. It was all inside my head. What had the gamemakers done, put something in the air that makes us hallucinate.

I run deeper into the forest, the tepid late summer air brings a sheen of sweat on my skin. I stop only to succumb to the pain in my ribs. I lose all sense and notion of time. I sit against the large trunk of a weeping willow, the fronds waving back and forth lazily. Nothing makes sense anymore. I thought I lived through this and went back to 13. I wait for Greyson to find me again, and I will end this for real. I pull my knife out of the sheath inside my boot and wait. It isn't long in the fading daylight that I hear something moving. I make out the beam of a flashlight. It's now or never. I spring to my feet and close the distance between us. I skid to a halt and almost drop my knife. I am faced with exact replications on Peeta, Haymitch and Gale. Muttations , and very convincing ones at that.

"Sweetheart, listen to me."Muttation Haymitch speaks to me and steps closer to me.

I stiffing my arm and point the knife at him, "Leave me alone!" I yell.

Tears flow from my eyes, as I wonder what happened to them and why they are in the games trying to kill me. Muttation Peeta moves toward me.

"Katniss, this isn't real. Darling, listen to us. Listen to me. Know what is in your heart, you know that I love you. Please, put down the knife." He is inches from me.

I don't know what to do, listen or run. He has his hand around the hilt of the knife. I drop it and run. He anticipated it and got a grip on my wrist. I and dragged toward him and taken to the ground.

"Please!" I scream, "Please don't kill me! I have to win. I have to go home. I can't die here! Please, please let me go!"

I am screaming for my life, pleading as if this mutt will have a heart and let me go. He had both of my arms in a tight grip, I am at his mercy. Sobbing, gut wrenching tears will not save me. He is not the real boy I need to go home too.

"You don't understand. I love him and he doesn't know. You can't kill me! I have to kill Greyson so I can live!"

I sob "please" over and over. The mutt is staring at me with the worst expression of agony.

"Do it Mellark, or I will!" the Haymitch mutt growls.

The Peeta mutt doesn't move, he just stares at me. Haymitch mutt descends upon us and I see the glint of a syringe. It is plunged into my thigh.

My sobs double, "What have you done! I'll never get to see him again!"

I fade into blackness and my last glimpse is the Peeta mutt shedding a tear for the pathetic Mockingjay who will never fly home.


	8. Its not an option, its a command

I am in 13's hospital, chained to a bed. I don't understand why. I find my mother and a nurse close by. My mother runs to my bedside her soft, healing hand touches my face.

"Darling, tell me what happened." She sits on the bed.

I search my mind and nothing jumps out, "Why am I here?"

My mom frowns, "Honey, you had an episode. You ran into the woods and thought you were in the games again. Peeta, Haymitch and Gale spent hours trying to find you. When they did you were convinced they were mutts and thought Peeta would kill you." She holds my hand.

I don't remember that at all, "Where's Peeta?"

"You can't have visitors right now. We don't know what set you off. I can't let you walk around with clear anxiety, post-traumatic stress problems and terrors. You need to stay here and heal."

I don't like what she has to say, "I had a fight with Gale, that's all I remember up until now."

"What about?" my mom presses.

"He said I have to go see Paylor. I won't do it. I will not talk to anyone who put me into the games. He didn't agree with me, and he started yelling."

My mom agrees to un-cuff me but only if I promise to rest. She watches me like a hawk when food comes around. She knows I have not had a meal since before I was in the cell. She makes me eat hearty meals and always has extra food if I get hungry between meals. She lets no one into my room for days, but herself and the nurses.

A new morning has dawned and they've discovered with enough sleep syrup I don't scream in my sleep anymore. No one believes that if Peeta was around me I wouldn't need the drug. My mom is on rounds checking other patients at the far end of the wing when Gale slips into my area.

"You can't be here!" I hiss at him.

He approaches my bed, "Katniss… let me say something."

"No Gale, you have to leave. You are the reason why I am here in isolation. You triggered my episode when you yelled at me. You have to get out of here before you cause me anymore pain!" I beg him.

My eyes flick to the door and I see Peeta holding his hand, with a nasty looking cut on it. He heard every word of my exchange with Gale. I see a fury in Peeta's eyes as he lunges for Gale. They scuffle on the floor in a flurry of fists and cuss words.

Peeta pins Gale to the floor and leans toward his face, "If you so much as ever raise your voice at her again I will see to it that you will never come back her."

Gale retaliates and lands a sickly punch on Peeta's face. I launch myself off of the bed and try to separate them.

"Peeta!" I yell, "Stop right now!"

It's useless as they both are set on destroying each other. I grab a hold of Peeta's shirt and tug with all my might. I feel a pair of arms whisk me away from the boys, I squirm and see it is Haymitch.

"Sit!" He tells me, it is not an option it's a command.

I sit on my bed and watch as Haymitch hauls Peeta off of Gale. My mother and a guard sprint into view.

"Boy you may love her, but you are a damn fool if you think walking in here and fighting with Gale will help her get better." Haymitch yells at Peeta.

Gale is hunched on the floor, a nurse trying to coax him to a bed. Peeta is escorted away from my bed and to a station where he can get stitched up. My mom is bustling around both of them up. I am still perched on the end of my bed, my hands shaking with adrenaline. Haymitch strides over to me, and frowns.

"Lay down sweetheart." He says, again it's not an option.

He pulls the covers over my legs and pushes my hair out of my eyes. I like this new Haymitch. He isn't the surly, drunk man anymore. He has sobered up, even in the light of the new alcohol distribution he has not turned to drinking. He is fatherly and kind to me, something I have been without in a long time.

He takes my hand in his, "Listen up. These terrors you're having are feeding off your inability to rationalize them. I let them consume me, I let them make me turn to drinking and let the anger get the best of me. You have time still, you need to fight them. Don't give up, because that boy over there loves you." He motions toward Peeta, "If you had remembered that when you thought he was a mutt you would have seen the anguish and tears on his face. I bet you mistook those for pity and disgust. You need to remember that no one is lying to you."

I nod and blink back tears, "You can cry. It's okay, sweetheart. Anyone who can survive 2 games and quell, have a given right to cry whenever they want." He hugs me tightly.

Peeta walks by and glances my way. Our eyes lock and I want nothing more than to be in his arms.

I wipe my eyes, and lay back into my pillows, "Haymitch, keep him out of trouble."

"I'll try, if you promise me one thing." He offers.

"When you are released, you are going to see Paylor." Haymitch said it again as if it is not an option, it a command.

I nod, and he nods in return, "Looks like we have a deal."


	9. Sorry will never be enough

It is a full week before I am released from my mother's constant watch in the hospital. I've had all the time in the world to reflect upon everything. I've healed remarkably, in spite of all I've been through. My nightmares have reduced from terrorizing replays of the games to night terrors centered around loosing Peeta. After the fight Gale and Peeta have been forbidden to come near the hospital. Haymitch visits when he is not busy helping lead the rebuild of the ground level of 13. He usually shows up after construction has stopped, even when he is weary from a long days work he makes sure to check on me. I know I don't have to ask him about Peeta because he promised he would watch him for me. I am still angry as hell at Gale and I am entirely unsure if I can trust him not to yell at me again.

My mom had made sure I have talked to a doctor who specialized in traumatic stress disorders daily. He has helped tremendously in my healing effort to rationalize the terrors that consume me. I am still far from being okay, but each day I feel a tiny bit less helpless.

My mom addresses my slowly healing ribs by adjusting the wrap and medicine patch. I've been sent off to the shower in the hospital, and when I return a dress and high heels are waiting for me on my bed. I grab them and retreat back to the shower area to change. The dress is a lovely Cinna creation, I can already tell. The dazzling hue of blue reminds me of Peeta's eyes. It's cinched and fitted around my waist and flows softly to my lower thighs.

Haymitch is waiting for me when I walk out of the shower area. He smiles and beckons for me to follow him.

"Why do I need to dress up to see Paylor. She knows what I look like." I muse as he leads me out the door.

"It's not her you have to look presentable for. It's the capitol that you have to dress up for." Haymitch puts reassuring hand on my shoulder and maneuvers me through the halls.

I guess I can't say I didn't see that coming. I was stupid for thinking Paylor would stay in 13 to command Panem. Trying to rebuild a broken nation would be quite hard from 13, when 13 itself is so far removed from the central location of the capitol. I take a deep breath and steady myself to head back to the city I've come to dread so much.

Once aboard the hovercraft I speak to Haymitch again, "Does Peeta know where I am going?"

I pray the answer is no because he will be beside himself knowing I am going to the capitol. He hates that place because of the pain its caused him and for the pain he's seen my recently suffer without him. I suppose being prisoner to Snow and tortured somewhere within the far reaches of the capitol would make someone so sweet and loving as Peeta, hate the city with such intensity. I hate it for my first games, the quell, my criminal games and their use of Peeta as a weapon against me. Most of all I hate the city because of the cold blooded deaths of Prim, Finnick, Rue and so many others.

Haymitch look up at me from a book he is reading, "No. I've put him in charge of finishing a special project in the construction zone today. By the time we return tonight, I doubt he will have finished the finalizations. If he has, I think he will find himself unwilling to leave it alone."

I find relief in his answer, knowing that I can tell Peeta after I return so he won't need to worry. I imagine him working hard in the heat of summer sun. Knowing Peeta, his mind is set at easy given something to do. Just like me, when he is idle the terrors creep back on you. I don't want to let the terrors creep back to me. I spend the rest of the flight to the capitol telling Haymitch about Cinna's daughter.

Haymitch doesn't say much during my story until I've run out of things to tell him. He smiles and looks me in the eyes after a minute or two.

"Sweetheart, I am so proud of you. The minute you volunteered for that little sister of yours I knew you were extraordinary. The odds have always favored you. In those last games you showed me just how resilient you are. I'd like to think that if I married and had a daughter I would want her to be exactly like you."

Coming from Haymitch I know this means a lot. I feel a pang of sadness thinking of how the games robbed him of love, and a family.

"Haymitch, there's still time for you." I say softly.

I don't have to explain what I've said because he knows deep down its true. He doesn't say much again, until we land at an air strip and make our way across the base. We are escorted to a luxurious car and driven through the bustling streets of the capitol. Nerves have set in now and it's only natural seeing as everything from this city has caused me great strife and sadness.

We are driven straight into the heart of the capitol. The car pulls straight up to the newly constructed mansion for the new president. I'm feeling edgy and nervous as two guards escort Haymitch and myself into the building. They take us to a large room with large comfy chairs. I take in the splendor of the room as a guard talks to Haymitch.

"Okay sweetheart. Paylor wants to talk to you alone. I will be waiting across the hall." He pats my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.

I really do like him this way, I've decided as he walks out of the room. I wonder what Paylor will do. Will she yell at me or will she punish me more? I don't get any more time to think about it when I hear the door open.

Paylor walks in dressed in a navy skirt and jacket. She looks solemn and authoritative. In her eyes I see stress and a hint of sadness.

"Katniss, please come sit." She calls out and motions to a sitting area with oversized chairs.

I move to the chair and sit, after I am seated she too finds a chair. She doesn't say anything for a few seconds she merely looks at me.

"I know there is much you would like to say to me. I do not blame you at all for that. What I do ask of you is that you hear me out before you decide to act."

She knows how I don't take lightly to orders, and speaking my mind is sometimes my ugliest quality. When she was Commander she was a person I trusted her. Her first act as president was my trial and sentencing, that has changed my view of her. I no longer trust the woman across from me and she knows it.

"As you know by now in the moments after Coin was killed, you were put in the cells. That was standard procedure for what you did. I was elected within the hours afterward. I am here to tell you that it was not me who put you back in the arena. I never would have sentenced you to that, Katniss. You must believe me. I was taken here immediately to begin regaining control in Capitol. I put my trust in the hands of the wrong people back in 13. Yes, I had known of the evil Coin planned and executed. What I didn't know was how far her reach extended into the leaders of the district and her connections with other evils here in the capitol. I trusted that my board of advisors in 13 would sentence you fairly. I gave them my opinion, I was going to have you banished from 13. I figured above all else, removing you from the toxicity and corruptness would be best. I was lied to by my most trusted advisor when they said you were sent back to 12 with Peeta and Haymitch. I did approve the game, knowing you voted for one final game with the children of the capitol." She speaks with dedication, but there is an edge of something in her voice maybe its nerves too.

She unbuttons her jacket and removes it revealing a silky short sleeved shirt. I notice now that in the blazing afternoon sun the room is sweltering even with the wide windows offering a slow breeze.

She continues on, "I am a busy woman. I did not watch the first day of the games. I discovered your fate on the front page of the newspaper. I knew I was betrayed, and I had no idea who did it. I worked tirelessly to get you out of there. The location of the arena was hidden, the gamemakers were all killed by the real designers of the game. I sent gifts, but none were ever passed along to you. All of the officials from your trial have gone into hiding. We have no one to punish for this, but I am punishing myself. I have been under minded in the worst way. Katniss, I know this will never be enough, but I am so deeply sorry for everything that has happened to you. I am stopping at nothing to find these people, and they will pay severely for the crime they have committed against you. You were never a criminal in my mind, you did exactly what you were supposed to do that day. I had to act the part and give you some type of punishment, but you must believe me when I say I never wanted this for you. Haymitch has told me of your nightmares, and I feel personally responsible. I will say it again Katniss, I am so sorry."

I feel as if I could faint at any minute, my trembling hand are coupling my face as I double over to my knees. The weight of all this has made me crumble. This is real. This is real. Katniss, this is real, listen to her. I repeat to myself over and over. I work through her speech and rationalize all of it. I know she was in the capitol with many of the rebellion's military enforcement. They were gaining control of the capitol and beginning to rebuild the destroyed districts and establish a new regime of government.

"Katniss…" She breaks through my mental rationalizing, "I know there is nothing I can do or say that will help you forget what happened in that arena. I've seen you suffer more times than I think will ever be humanly possible. I promise you that I will do my best to wipe away the filth that have hurt you so deeply. I have plans for this nation, a new era of peace, equality and fairness. If you can find it in your heart, I would very much like to have the Mockingjay on my side. You don't have to do anything for me, I would just like to know if I have your support. Even this is too much of me to ask of you."

I have to speak now but my mind is clouded with uncertainty. I have misdirected my anger and I am ashamed of how I have acted and what I have said to others about this debacle. Gale and Haymitch both had some idea that my anger was misdirected and the tried to tell me. They were the ones who tried the hardest to get me to talk to Paylor.

"I… I don't know what to say…" It's all I can manage between my uneven breathing and the horrible dry mouth I have developed. "I've been angry for so long and now I don't know who to be angry at."

She nods, "I swear on my life, Katniss, that I will find the exact people you need to be furious with and then you can watch them pay for their wrong doings."

I straighten up and blot away the tears that never feel from my eyes, "If that is true then you have my support. I will help you how ever I can."

I would like nothing more than to find the man who I encountered on the tarmac who loathed me for making it free from the games. I want nothing more than for each and every one responsible for what has happened to pay for it.

Paylor's eyes darken, "it is true, and trust me they will be found."

She summons a maid to bring me a glass of water. She makes sure I am okay and picks up her jacket.

"I have a manhunt to continue over seeing. Please excuse me Katniss." She smiles at me.

"Wait!" I call out as she is about to leave the room, "I don't blame you for what's been done to me."

She looks relieved to hear me say that, "Thank you Katniss. That means a lot to me. I will let you know if I need your help. I'm sure you would like to get back to 13 and see Peeta. Tell him hello for me."

She smiles and enters the doorway, "Oh, I think that there is someone in the room with Haymitch who would very much like to fly home with you today."

With that she leaves to fulfill her promise to find the people I need to be angry at. I am intrigued by her last comment. I shakily get to my feet and refill my glass of water before I go seek out this person.

I walk across the hall, and push the door open. The first person I see is Haymitch who smiles at me. I wonder what Paylor meant if she was referring to Haymitch. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone come into view. The glass tumbles from my hand and shatters on the marble floor. I don't even flinch because my eyes have locked someone until now I knew was dead.

"Sugar cube?" they ask lightly.

I collapse, only to have the strong arms of Finnick Odair catch me before I fall into the shards of glass.


	10. Did you miss me?

"Miss me?" Finnick laughs as he steadies me back on my wobbly feet.

I crush my body into his and wrap my arms around his neck, I'm crying like a fool as he gently spins me around.

"I blew the pod up!" I sob, "How are you alive?"

He sets me down, "I don't even know Katniss. I woke up in the tunnels, and made my way out. Those lizards were dead, but somehow I survived. Paylor noticed me when she was at the hospital here. She has seen to my recovery and now I'm going back with you." He smiles.

I'm still over come with emotions, but he keeps talking, "How's Annie?"

Anguish appears on his face, I brush the tears from my eyes, "She's okay. It was hard at first, but everyone helped her. They all have been helping her."

I remember the first days after Finnick's death. Poor, Annie, pregnant and widowed. My mom and several other women made sure Annie was okay. She's been in the hospital wing, as her mental condition has gone downhill.

Finnick and I are deep in conversation as we are brought back to the air base. We are speeding home high up in the air. I sit on a small bench with him, my hand holding his.

He pats my hand, "I saw a whole new side of you little Mockingjay, in those games." He states.

"I know… I saw a new side of myself too." I admit.

"Katniss, how can you be okay?" He wonders, "3 games? The quell was bad enough."

Haymitch is peering at me awaiting my answer, "I'm not okay, at least not at night. During the day I can stay busy but at night my brain is idle and I'm left to think and remember it all. There's only one thing that keeps the nightmares away…"

Finnick tightens his grip on my hand, "Peeta? So I'm taking it you are not the enemy in his eyes anymore."

I smile, "No, not anymore."

Finnick laughs, "Look at you the girl on fire glowing with love."

We land in 13 as the sun is setting. Finnick is last off the craft, and has seemed to look paler.

"Finnick, don't worry. She still loves you." I reassure as I take his hand and we run to the hospital.

The jarring of my ribs is nothing compared to the joy I feel for leading Finnick to his love. We enter the hospital and I point him to the closed off area where Annie stays. He turns to me, and smiles.

"Thank you." He whispers and kisses my cheek.

I watch him run to the curtained area and gently pull them open. I see Annie lunge from the bed and instantly cry. Finnick is smiling and crying. I watch their reunion through tears, I am so happy for them. Finnick gently places his hand on Annie's growing belly and he is over come with joy. I am choking back tears of delight. I let them have their peace and set out to find my boy. It's been the longest week of my life because I have not seen him.

Back above ground I head toward the construction zone. I am amazed at the progress made since I have last seen this area. There are completed houses and businesses now. The hard cobblestone street smells of fresh lumber and paint. My heels click down the street echoing off the silence around me. I see a solitary work light still on, and the distant pounding of a hammer reaches me.

I see a crowd of workers just leaving their stations, heading in for dinner. They nod and greet me as we pass. I notice Gale in the crowd, he acknowledges me but continues on. I know I have to talk to him, but Peeta is the only thing my mind can think of right now. Haymitch said Peeta would be working on a special project well into the dark hours. I wonder what it could be but I guess it is him working still.

I approach a building that looks finished on the outside, as I head in I see a large display case and counters. Through another room I find Peeta hammering away at long strips of wood on the floor. The room is earthen and clean, gleaming steel ovens and counters sparkle in the low light. It is cozy and warm even in the vastness of the space. I see large mixing bowls and large steel bins on one wall. It dawns on me and I know exactly what I am standing in. It's a bakery, made by Peeta, just for him.

I stare at him on the floor, he hasn't noticed me yet. He is shirtless, covered in sweat and grime. His blonde hair darkened with sweat. I can't help but notice just how muscular his arms, back and chest are. I softly hop onto a counter, cross my legs and wait. I am marveling at how he can drive thick nails into the beams of wood so effortlessly. I am daydreaming now of him and I baking in this very room. Him teaching me the tools of his trade, together we create beautiful works of art from flour, water and yeast.

His strangled outburst and string of curse words break me from my dream. He is holding his hand and groaning in pain. He must have missed the nail, and all I can think of is how much it must hurt.

"How about you come over here and let me kiss it to make it better." I offer sweetly.

He turns around and takes in the sight of me, dressed beautifully, and poised on his counter smiling. He bounds to me and even on the counter he is eye level with me. His arms circle my waist and my hands caress his neck.

"Darling… you look beautiful." He sighs.

I lean in and kiss him, reveling in the surge of passion filling me. I let me feeling and this kiss tell him how much I have missed him. I don't care that he is sweaty and dirty, all that matters is I never want to go this long without seeing him ever again. I am breathless when I break away for air. I pull his swollen finger to my lips and kiss it gently.

I giggle, "You should be shirtless more often."

He puffs his chest out, strikes a pose and smiles. I giggle even more, as he helps me off the counter.

"You should wear dresses like this more often." He muses and spins me around, "You're radiant in this."

He kisses me passionately again and pulls me tightly into him. I place my hands on his hard chest and sigh. He softly runs a finger across my cheek, then I remember my tear tracks must be evident through my make-up.

"You've been crying? What happened? Did Hawthorne yell at you again!" Peeta asks fervently his eyes ablaze with concern.

"No. Peeta, they were good tears. I just saw Finnick and Annie reunited. Finnick is alive, Peeta." I tell him gently. "It was emotional Peeta. Finnick helped me so much when Snow had you captured. Without Finnick I don't think I would be here with you now. He helped me through a really dark time. He is a great friend to me."

Peeta looks confused, "Finnick just showed up here in 13?"

I sigh knowing I'll have to tell Peeta where I went today, "No, Haymitch and I went to the capitol this morning. I made a deal with Haymitch and my end of the bargain was to go talk to Paylor. I did and when I was done talking to her, Finnick showed up."

His eyes sadden, "Why didn't I know about this? I would have gone with you, Katniss."

I want to cry because I have hurt him now, "I think we both know you wouldn't have ever let me go to the capitol. I don't blame you, darling, but this was something I had to do on my own. I had to come to terms with my anger toward Paylor. I promise you I was treated like a queen, I was protected and I was safe. I returned about an hour ago, and I came looking for you."

He leans down level to my eyes, our foreheads touching, "Please just don't ever leave and not tell me again."

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere without you" I peck his lips.

I scoot back onto the counter remarking that my feet are beginning to hurt from the shoes. Peeta launches into a long explanation for this bakery. I can see the pride in his eyes as he describes what he wants to do with this place. He describing the things he wants to make and I can't help but smile because I feel the passion he has for baking.

He moves back by me after he has finished picking up. He wraps his arms around me again and wedges himself between my knees. He places his head against mine and smiles.

"I want to teach you how to bake." He whispers, and I smile.

He kisses me deeply as our bodies meld together in the humid room. His hand slips behind my knee and pulls me even closer to him. His lips trail down my neck and rest upon my collar bone and trail back up to my lips. I drag my hands down his chest and loop my fingers into the belt loop on his pants. He softly kisses me in-between short breaks for air. My body is set on fire by his kiss.

"Katniss." Peeta breathes as he softly pushes my hair out of my face.

I kiss his neck and try to catch my breath. I feel the steady rise and fall of his chest and rest my head against him. He tips my face back up and kisses me again, until someone clears their throat.

Haymitch stands in the doorway, "Mellark, I need to talk to you."

I am mortified of the position Haymitch has found us in. Peeta sighs and removes his hand from my leg. He winks at me and follows Haymitch outside. I pull my dress down to a more appropriate length and try to smooth my tangled hair. I know my lips are swollen and my face is flush with embarrassment.

I explore the building more and find a set of stairs that leads to a wide open 2nd floor. It is lofty and calm. I spot Haymitch walking away so I start to head back to find Peeta when I spot him ascending the stairs. He reaches me and smiles.

"Peeta… I'm so embarrassed." I whisper into his chest.

"It's Haymitch. He fell of the stage at our reaping. He passed out in a pool of his own vomit on the train. I think the field is level. Don't be embarrassed." He soothes as he holds me.

He grabs my hand and we head back to underground. We walk silently until a question burns in my mind.

"What did Haymitch want?" I ask.

Peeta is silent at first then speaks, "Finnick says that there might be a way for me to get a real leg. I have to go talk to him now."

I have forgotten that Peeta's left leg is a prosthetic. It never bothered me but I can almost guarantee it bothers Peeta. He never would have said anything about it to me, since I was the one who put the tourniquet on his leg. I feel horrible now, I can't imagine what it is like to try and work on construction houses when a leg doesn't work the same as the other. I've been so selfish, how could I have not cared about his leg.

"What are you going to do?" I ask.

"I want a working leg, not this metal and plastic capitol contraption." He states.

I know now that Peeta resents his lost limb. I pray silently that Finnick knows what he is talking about. I want nothing more than for my boy with the bread to feel whole again, even if that means stopping at nothing to get him a leg not made by the capitol.


	11. Its a love story baby, just say yes

I am long asleep before Peeta returns from his talk with Finnick. I scolded Finnick for wanting to talk to Peeta and leave Annie for a bit. I reminded him that he should be with her. He responded by stating he needed to help Peeta because I helped get him back to Annie.

I am consumed by a nightmare. I am back in the games, and it is a cruel mash up of all three games. The faces of so many people haunt me, especially Cato in this one. He returns from the death and cuts off my leg. I am left in the arena to save myself from mutts but I am unable to move. I am torn apart by the mutts as Peeta is declared the winner of the games.

I am disoriented as I am abruptly woken up. I am on the floor of Peeta's shower, freezing cold water pouring from the shower head. Peeta is crouched on the floor next to Haymitch. My throat is raw from screaming and I see blood caked on my nails. I see that I have scratched my left leg bloody, no doubt do to Cato cutting off that leg in my dream. Haymitch shuts off the shower when my shivering has made me more alert.

Peeta grabs a large fluffy towel and wraps me in it. He lifts me off my feet and we are leaving his room swiftly. Peeta looks exhausted and on edge as he pushed through the doors to the hospital. My mom and talking to Haymitch when their attention is alerted to me, shivering in a damp towel now. My mom asks Peeta to go to my room and get dry clothes. She busies herself on cleaning the gouges on my leg.

"Sweetheart," Haymitch begins, "What happened?"

I am groggy still, my mind feels clouded and confused, "I don't know. I feel asleep waiting for Peeta. I dreamed that I was back in the games, and Cato cut off my leg. I was torn apart by mutts. Then I woke up in the shower."

Haymitch makes the connection to my leg and my guilt for Peeta losing his. He frowns and holds my hand. I watch my mom wrap my leg in gauze and wrap a bandage over it.

"Haymitch, she always has nightmares at night. She did the entire week she was here." My mom sounds defeated and upset.

"Let Peeta stay with her tonight." Haymitch says knowing that Peeta prevents my nightmares as I do for him.

She pushes Haymitch out and closes the curtain so she can help peel the soaking wet clothes off me. She redresses my rib treatment and gives me the clothes Peeta brought back. I numbly pull on shorts so my dressing can be changed easily and then shroud myself in a thick long sleeve shirt.

I climb into bed and Peeta wraps a large blanket around us. I wind my cold hands into his shirt and tuck my feet under his legs. His warm arms drape around me in comfort.

It's silent now as my mom and Haymitch have returned to their rooms. Peeta kisses my cheek and sighs.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He whispers.

"Can we just not talk about it." I whisper back as warm tears spill from my eyes.

"Okay darling." He says, "Sleep tight, I've got you now. Nothing will hurt you as long as I'm here."

I sleep peacefully until I am softly roused from sleep by Peeta. He says he is late for construction and that my mom has been waiting for two hours to change my bandage. He kisses me goodbye and heads to work. It's not long before I am leaving the hospital, off to change for the day. Even in the cool underground I can feel the brute humidity from outside. My leg feels raw and achy with each step I take. I hate myself for what I did last night. I rifle through the closet of clothes Cinna's daughter sent to me while I was in the hospital. Apparently Cinna designed so many clothes for me that she wanted me to have them. They are all beautiful, and not all of them are dresses. I've decided if Peeta likes it when I dress nicely I was going to make more of an effort. I would never admit it to my mom or anyone else but I loved how dresses made me feel pretty and feminine. I pick a soft light blue dress, it's floaty and light with thin straps. It is perfect for the humid day outside.

I wander around the construction zone looking for Peeta. I desperately wanted to know what he was doing with Finnick so late last night.

I find no evidence of Peeta or Haymitch around the newly built houses. I spot Gale sitting in the shade escaping the late afternoon heat. I pluck up all the courage I have and I move over to him. He doesn't say anything but scoots over so I can have some of the shade too.

We sit in silence, it's painful and awkward. There's so much I want to say but I am still angry with him.

"Why'd you do it, Gale?" I ask as I fidget with the hem of my dress.

"I knew Paylor was deceived. I wanted you to understand that. You were so stubborn and angry. I…" He doesn't complete his sentence.

"I… What?" I ask, prodding him to finish his sentence.

He shakes his head and doesn't continue, "Gale Hawthorne! Just talk to me!" I cry out in frustration. "What cant you tell me? We shared everything in 12, why can't you talk to me now? You were my best friend. What happened to you?"

The sky is darkening, storms are moving in quickly. The dropping temperature has set a chill in my bones.

He gets up and walks away from me. Not only does it piss me off but I recognize it as a slap in the face. Gale would never act like this. What's changed him?

I run after him, trying to keep pace with his long strides. Rain is beginning to splatter the ground.

"Gale!" I scream at him, "Talk to me please!"

"What happened to me? You did." He yells back over the roaring wind.

I don't know what to say, I stare back at him in shock. Rain falls steadily now.

"The reaping changed everything. The games where you pretended to love him, marry him and carry his baby changed you. I watched that screen and saw someone I didn't know. That changes people. I was forced to watch, and bet on my best friend's life as if it was a sport. That will change a person."

I see a hover craft descend onto the landing area not far from us. People scramble from it trying to find shelter.

"I did what I had to do to stay alive! Do you think I like how I pretended to love him and go along with that lie? But you know what, that lie saved my life. I don't regret it. How can you stand here and belittle me for surviving the hunger games 3 times? I did what I had to do to come back and salvage what shreds of life I had left."

"Oh okay, so faking a pregnancy and dumbing yourself down to a stupid girl twirling in pretty dress struck with love is a survival technique now? Do you even hear yourself? What would Prim or your father say about this? How can you believe that crap the capitol fed you. Those people fed off that lie only to watch it be destroyed in their arena."

I see Haymitch leave the hover craft and yell at us to come inside. I reach out and slap Gale across the face. I suppose this attack provokes Haymitch to grab two men next to him and race over.

"How dare you." I yell at him, "What has happened to you!"

Tears are rolling down my face, as Gale has used the two most painful deaths in my life against me.

"You did this to me. The minute you decided you couldn't live without him. You picked a boy you pretended to love over our friendship. So why don't you go back to him and pretend you're happy. I see right through your little game, soon enough he will too. Just tell me one thing, was the pregnancy real? We all know you had to do more than just kiss him on tv to get him to act like he really loved you."

I an enraged and slap him again, he stumbles to the ground. I intend to hit him but before I can reach him I am pulled off of him.

"Why are you being like this!" I yell over the wind and downpour as Haymitch holds me back.

"Because I love you! I can't stand seeing you with him."

Haymitch lessens his grip on me as he anticipates Peeta's reaction. Peeta and Finnick had just stepped into view as Gale answered my question. I am floored, complete unable to move. Haymitch and Finnick struggle to restrain Peeta.

"How can you even think saying you love me would make up for how much you've just hurt me. I don't ever want to talk to you again!" I yell at him.

"Good, I don't like to keep company with liars."

It's all I have left in me not to hit him again. I turn and run from all of them, the stinging rain and hail pour from the sky. I run toward the construction area intended on the bakery but a jagged cobblestone sends me sprawling to the ground. The grief of the fight has hit me full force as my body is shaking with sobs. I feel so hurt and betrayed that I just want to give up. Gale has hurt me so deeply that I can't wrap my brain around it.

I feel someone effortlessly pick me up and run for the bakery. I know it is Peeta just by the arms. Inside we slide to the floor in a mess of water. I turn my face into his chest and try to stifle the loud sobs. Peeta doesn't say anything but pull me close to him. It takes an hour for me to cry myself out.

"Katniss, what happened out there?" He whispers and pulls damp hair out of my eyes.

"He said he loved me." I hiccup, fighting off more sobs.

"Why did you hit him? That would have been my job, sweetheart." Peeta consoles.

"He said our relationship wasn't real. He said everyone thinks the pregnancy was real because I would have had to do much more than kiss you for a merchant boy to ever pretend to love a girl from the seam." I start crying again as I reveal the worst of the hurt I feel. "I feel like it is true. Back home we would have never had this. The games gave us our chance at love. How can we be so happy based off of something so evil and twisted. He called me a liar because I pretended to love you in the first game."

Peeta is tense and angry, I can feel it, "You know I would have never ever considered making you sleep with me to pretend to love you. I loved you from the first time I saw you. My feelings have always been real. It just took you longer to come around to them. He knows nothing about us. Don't let his anger and jealousy make you think anything less of yourself, darling."

I can't help but think that my relationship with Gale is over, so many hurtful things have been said i doubt there is even anything that can be said to fix the wrongs. Peeta holds me tight, whispering beautiful things into my ear until I am in better spirits.

He kisses my cheek and pulls me to my feet. He swiftly puts me on the counter and says, "close your eyes."

I smile weakly and shut my eyes. I hear him moving around and he begins talking to me.

"I had something planned for a couple of days, but I think right now is when I need to do this." I feel him gently pick me up and carry me upstairs.

"Can I open my eyes?" I whisper.

"Almost, be patient my love" He sets me down on something soft.

There is more rustling of items and then Peeta softly says I can open my eyes. I see I am sitting on a soft blanket, and spread between us is a little platter of bread, fruit and other snack like things. He has poured us large glasses of the wine we had the first night I returned to him. Candles are scattered all around us, emitting a soft yellow glow in the room.

"Peeta, this is so wonderful." I smile, I feel the ugly things Gale has said already leaving my mind.

We eat and drink, Peeta putting forward his best charm and comedic efforts. I think the combination of wine and Peeta have made me dizzy, and warm. He tells me he has yet another surprise. He pulls an old radio out and presses play. Soft sweet music plays in the background.

"How about a dance?" He smiles, and I oblige without hesitation.

He twirls and spins me around the room gently. I always though dancing with Peeta would be something I'd never get to do. His leg limited him so much… I suddenly look down and remember we are shoeless. I see ten sets of fleshy human toes connected to his leg.

"Peeta! Your leg!" I gasp.

He smiles and doesn't miss a beat in our dance, "Finnick took me to see the doctor that cured him. We went to district 2, to a doctor who just recently discovered this medicine. My leg grew back good as new within 5 hours."

I lean up and kiss him, he dips me backwards and then back up. I laugh and lean into him as we dance more. I love him so much, how could anyone not see that.

We sit back down and enjoy the rest of the bottle of wine snuggled against each other. My clothes have dried out for the most part, and my hair has curled and waved wickedly. Peeta says he likes it when it's down because he loves touching it. He softly rubs his finger across my cheek and turns my lips toward him for a searing kiss.

"You know I love you right?" He whispers between kisses.

"Yes." I reply, "And I love you."

"Katniss, you mean so much to me. Every day I realize that the only thing that has come out of the pain and suffering we've shared is this love. I wouldn't ever change a thing about our past because it gave me you. You give me a million reasons why I need to wake up each morning, from getting to see you in beautiful clothes, to your infectious smile and ability to love unconditionally. You are brave, kind and passionate, you make me fall in love with you even more every day. I was a fool to wait so long to tell you I loved you, I know that I will never let you go. You are my everything, my future and my past. I love you for all that you are, and all that you have yet to be." He stares deeply into my eyes, which have sprung with tears of bliss.

His way with words has always mesmerized me, "Katniss, I never want to live another day knowing you aren't mine. I want to build a future from the ashes of our past, I can think of no better way than sealing the flame of our love with this."

He pulls a glistening silver ring, set inside a simple heart is the pearl I have cherished, the pearl he gave me in the quell.

"Peeta…" I gasp.

His beautiful blue eyes glisten a thousand times more beautifully that the stunning ring between us, "I love you so much darling, it would be the greatest honor of my life if I could call you my wife. Katniss Everdeen, will you marry me?"


	12. even the best fall down sometimes

My eyes are frozen on Peeta's face, he's just asked the one question I've dreamed of him asking me so many times. I can't believe he's just proposed to me. Of all the beautiful extravagant ways I imagined him asking me, this is just perfect. It's romantic, spur of the moment and showcases just how much Peeta effects me. He's taken me from sobbing and broken to happy in less than 2 hours.

"Katniss… what's wrong?" He asks his face falling a bit.

"This changes everything." I say, my mind focuses on what people will say rather than what I should be saying to Peeta.

He pulls me closer to him, "What really changes? We are already as close to married as it gets. All that changes is that I can call you my beautiful fiancé that is if you give me the honor to do so."

"We're so young, Peeta. They'll think I'm pregnant." I worry softly.

"The whole nation believed you were pregnant, that didn't change how you felt about me. Is the idea of marrying me that horrible?" He asks, "It's just you and me and the rest of our lives. What do you say?"

"Yes." I whisper, "Yes, Peeta I will marry you!"

He slides the ring onto my finger and pulls me hastily into his lap. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him fiercely. He pushed me gently to the floor, never once breaking our kiss. His hands caress my body making me feel on fire. I hook my leg around his hip and pull him closer to me. I take the opportunity to pull his shirt off when he breaks for air. He returns by kissing the sensitive spot behind my ear. It's a weakness of mine that he just recently discovered. My nails bite into the warm skin of his chest, eliciting a groan from deep within his chest. I feel so alive in his arms, it seems so unreal. Each time his kisses me I beg for more, with every touch he summons the girl who was on fire. Our bodies are melted together in a perfect match that only ever reassures me that I've made the right choice.

I push him over to the ground and let my body arc over his. I stare into his beautiful eyes, my fingers tracing lines over his strong jaw and cheek bones. He's all mine, I think smugly to myself.

"What are you thinking about?" he whispers as his lips graze the hollow of my neck.

"You," I breathe, "I'm always thinking about you."

His lips trace an intricate path across my neck and shoulders, he softly nips my skin with his teeth, earning strangled gasps from me. I can't handle the anticipation anymore as I scrunch my hands through his hair. I crash my lips to his with a new fervor and swing my leg over him. I've nestled my legs on both sides of his hips, when his hands slide past my knees. They continue up around my back, in one swift tug my zipper is down. The filmy straps slide down my shoulders. This one move has erupted millions of butterflies in my stomach.

Peeta sits up and pulls me close, "Katniss, I can't stop. If you don't want.."

I push a finger to his lips, "I want this. I want you. This is how it's supposed to be."

He smiles and pulls the straps off my arms, the dress gathers at my waist limply. I'm not exposed though. The ugly bandage wraps almost all of my torso, in combination with a simple bra.

"Take it off, it doesn't hurt when I'm with you." I tremble as his sure hands gently peel the stretchy bandage off.

His hands caress the newly exposed skin, sending tingles up my spine. He kisses a trail from my neck to just above my heart, setting my body on fire. His hands grip my hips lightly as he tips us backwards. My hands reach out for his pants and in the dark I fumble with the button.

I've just managed to unzip his pants when I hear something that makes my body run cold, "Katniss! Peeta!" Someone yells from the bottom of the bakery.

"Oh my god!" I hiss, "Peeta!" I stare at him wide eyed and mortified.

He shushes me and sits up, "Who's there?"

"It's Finnick." The person responds, as their voice gets closer to the stairs.

Peeta is hastily fumbling with his zipper, while I struggle to situate my dress. Finnicks heavy steps are so close to us on the stairs, my face flames in embarrassment. Peeta swiftly zips up my dress, just as Finnick rounds the staircase. Peeta stands up still shirtless, and I'm embarrassed of it. Finnick takes in the setting, Peeta's appearance, and my inability to want to face him and knows what he's just interrupted.

"God, I'm sorry guys." I hear him say, "It's just that some serious stuff is going down right now. The district in on lockdown, they announced it but you've been out here. They need you two in the conference room immediately."

Finnick leaves, profusely apologizing leaving us to hurry up. Peeta runs around blowing out candles and pulls on his discarded shirt. I'm working on putting my shoes back on when Peeta hands me a button up sweater of his.

"What is this for?"

"You're neck is covered with marks." He smiles, and pulls the soft sweater around my body.

It smells like him, which is my favorite scent in this world. He Pulls the hood up over my head and kisses me softly. I can feel the frustration, I bet he can feel mine too.

We walk hand in hand back to underground, the night has grown chilly and the rain only persists slightly. We are almost to the conference room when I turn to Peeta.

"You can see anything right?" I fidget with the collar and hood.

"You're perfect." He smiles and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

I wrap my hand in his and we walk into the room. Scattered around a big oval table are President Paylor, Haymitch, Finnick, and several people I neither recognize nor have even a little familiarity with. I feel embarrassed again having made them all wait, when Peeta and I were… I begin to chew on my lip to keep from letting my frustration get the best of me. We quickly take a seat and pull our chairs close.

Finnick flashes me a weak smile that says I'm sorry. I notice my head still feels foggy and slow from the wine. Peeta slips his hand across the top of my leg and grabs my hand. I look around see everyone staring at me with varying degrees of concern, and trepidation.

"I've come here tonight to brief all of you on a plot to over throw me. It is still stemming from the dwindled numbers of Snow's supporters. They aren't very strong, we have the power in this situation. The thing is… they are hidden. We cannot locate them. These people were behind the horrors done to Katniss not even a month ago. My team has managed to find two of these rebels and extract information. We know names, and now we know exactly how our information fell into their hands. A member of this district has been betraying us and feeding them information. We know who the informant is, but up until an two hours ago this person is missing. I was informed that unidentified hover crafts made into our radar but only briefly. This was no coincidence, the informant has fled our company and has descended into their midst."

I remember how Paylor promised me she would track down the people responsible for putting me into the criminal games. I am angered that someone here in 13 was betraying me. I can feel Peeta's gaze on me. It's not the only pair of eyes that I can feel examining me for any type of reaction. Peeta's watching for tears, and Haymitch is waiting for the trigger that will send me into a rampage.

Paylor continues, "We've cleared everyone in this room, each of you has an alibi for the last couple of hours except you two." She points at Peeta and I.

"I don't understand." Peeta speaks, "Are you saying you think Katniss and I are giving information to the rebels who put Katniss in the arena again? I'm sorry but this is absolutely idiotic!"

I hear Haymitch tell Peeta to calm down and Paylor speaks, "I am simply asking you to explain where you were so I can give you further information."

"We were in his bakery, having dinner. I was upset, and he was there with me to calm me down." I answer, "Why would we even be considered as traitors? You know this is ridiculous!" I address Paylor with my last statement.

People shift in their chairs, looking painfully uncomfortable, "Katniss… it was suggested because of your closeness to the informant that you especially need to be cleared before we proceed. They have made clear that they harbor some pretty potent feelings for you, and with your history with this person we needed to make sure."

I stare at Peeta, one of the only people I consider myself incredibly close too. He has very strong feelings for me, and we have a history. It couldn't be Peeta, he would never do something like this. Peeta's eyes are sad and I can see that he knows who it is. He grabs both of my hands in support. Haymitch almost looks as if he could kill, and Finnick looks betrayed as well.

"I don't get it… who is it?" I stammer, my voice breaking under the stress.

Peeta turns toward me, "Katniss… its Gale."

My stomach churns violently, as I stare into everyone's faces. They nod their heads in confirmation of Peeta's statement. The room begins to swirl sickeningly as my mind processes this information. Gale betrayed a childhood of memories and friendship because he was jealous. He hated Peeta because I chose to love him. The kind, sweet Gale I knew from District 12 was a cold-hearted rebel set out to destroy my life and the new world Paylor was creating.

Haymitch stirs in his chair looking uncertain if he should move to see if I'm okay. Before I can even speak I feel the bile in my throat. I curl my hand over my mouth and spring from the room. I hurdle toward the closest bathroom, and make it just as my stomach gives one good heave. It seems like forever before my stomach has nothing left to relieve itself of. My ribs and stomach hurt from the clenched muscles. My body is sticky with sweat and I feel like I'm having a heart attack. The small bathroom's door locked behind me before anyone could follow me in. I can hear Haymitch and Peeta arguing over whether to break the door down or wait for me.

I'm clutching my chest trying to get a grip on my breathing, when the door to the bathroom explodes open. I jerk into the cold tile wall where I've pressed my enflamed face on the icy surface.

"Katniss!" Peeta whispers as he knees in front of me, "Just breathe, okay?"

He places my hands on his chest and covers them with his hands. He breathes deep and slow, giving me a rhythm to mimic. Haymitch silently observes, making sure I won't go crazy and trigger a bad memory. Once my breathing has calmed down the anger hits like a nuclear bomb.

"How could he do this! That son of a bitch!" I growl through my teeth.

"I don't know." Peeta whispers.

Peeta coaxes me from the floor after a few minutes. I rinse out my mouth and pull Peeta's sweater back around me. Peeta's hand touches the small of my back to guide me out of the bathroom. Haymitch doesn't even have to greet me with the usual "sweetheart what happened", I hastily wrap my arms around him. He hugs me tightly and kisses the top of my head, the gesture is so sincere and fatherly. That's what Haymitch is to me, a father figure. Peeta, my fiancé, and Haymitch the father I've been lacking are the only men I need. Together they will make sure Gale will answer for what he has done to me, and to all of us.

"Alright sweetheart, ready to go back in there and make that ass pay for this?" Haymitch asks.

I straighten up and nod, I'm ready as ill ever be. I feel nothing for Gale but sadness now. I pity him, even loathe him. When you say you love someone you don't feed information to people who want to hurt that person. You don't betray the people you love, and Gale has committed that injustice.


	13. we found love in a hopeless place

When I make my way back to the conference room, I find that everyone else has cleared out. Finnick is talking to Paylor, until they notice our return. I hook my pinky finger around Peeta's pinky and stick close to him.

"Katniss how are you feeling?" Paylor asks genuinely.

I'd like to speak my mind and let them know they've interrupted my engagement night. It seems as if I will never get a moments peace to revel in the moment with the big step I've taken with Peeta. It's so fresh in my memory that the ring takes me by surprise when I look at my hand.

"I'm okay." I admit, as we sit at the table again.

I've pushed my chair as close as possible to Peeta's and wrap my hand in his. The back of his thumb rubs gently across the top of my hand, tracing designs as if he's frosting my skin. I listen as Paylor explains her course of action. It isn't until Peeta nudges me that I realize I have been asked a question.

"Katniss, I asked if you will come to the capitol and help me begin my plans to win over the rebels or if all else bring them down." Paylor asks as she leans forward on the table.

Haymitch is eyeing my weirdly, it's not my fault I am so distracted and frustrated. Not to mention the fur surging in my veins from Gale.

"Only if Peeta comes with me." I state clearly, and glance at him.

Finnick chuckles, "He already agreed. Weren't you listening, what were you dreaming up inside that head?" His voice is dripping with amusement.

I know that Finnick Odair is subtlety mocking me, and he gets the best of me as a flush creeps across my cheeks. I narrow my eyes at him, and clear my throat. Peeta and Finnick exchange a humorous smile. I'm annoyed now that Finnick and Peeta have some inside joke at my expense.

"Okay… I'll go." I answer to speed things along.

"Great. You have half an hour to gather you're things. We need to get out of 13 and back to the Capitol before morning." Paylor stands up and heads for the door.

Haymitch walks out with her, leaving Finnick with Peeta and I. I slowly get up and approach Finnick. I go to playfully smack him but he grabs me and pulls me into a big hug.

"What are you doing! I'm mad at you!" I squirm in his arms, hearing Peeta delightfully laugh somewhere behind me.

"Congratulations, Katniss." He smiles and releases me from the hug, I stand back and take in the weight of what just happened.

I turn to Peeta and he shrugs his shoulders, "What do you mean by that?"

Finnick smiles, "You don't think we can all see it? Katniss you're practically glowing and I think most of us can agree you aren't pregnant."

"How would you know that?" I accuse putting Finnick on the spot.

"I think that your innocence was made quite clear when I had to interrupt you two earlier, it doesn't help with the looks of frustration." He smiles and claps a hand on Peeta's shoulder, "Really, I am happy for you two. Take care of her."

Finnick saunters out of the room and winks at me just as he opens the door. I'm unbelievably embarrassed again and worried that rumors will spread about my engagement before I get to personally tell people myself.

"Don't get so worked up over it, Darling. He means well." Peeta kisses my cheek.

"I don't want rumors spreading, I want to tell people together."

"Don't worry, we will pack and go find your mom and whoever else you want to tell right now."

Peeta drops me off at my room to pack and says he will be back shortly. I wander around my room grabbing things I think I will need. It dawns on me that I really didn't pay attention at all. How long were we going to stay in the capitol? What clothes should I bring? I sigh and decide that I can call Cinna's daughter if I need dresses. I've just finished packing my things when Peeta returns. He insists on carrying my bag as we walk to the hospital to find my mom. We are cutting it close on time so I quickly run the length of the wing and find she isn't there. A nurse is the only one the wing tending to a few patience.

"Have you seen my mom?" I ask quickly.

"She's with the rest of the district in the bunkers. They are being informed as to why we are on lock down. She just left; I'm not sure when she will be back."

I scrounge up paper and a pen and start to scrawl a note to her. If I can't talk to her, I have to at least write to her. She's my mother and she should know what I am about to tell her.

_Mom, I wish I could say goodbye in person, but I have no time left. Peeta and I are going to the capitol with President Paylor to help her regain control. I don't know how long I will be gone but before I leave I have to tell you. Peeta asked me to marry him tonight. I am so scared mom. I know I love him, anyone can see that. I said yes to him, but I'm afraid more than ever that he will be taken from me. Gale has an evil inside him and he will do what ever he can to hurt me. I feel like he will hurt Peeta. I wish I could stay and wait for you, but I am already holding up the hovercraft. I'm afraid that I'll marry him end up alone, I don't know what will happen to us. I've never need you more than I do right now and I hate that I have to leave now. I love you!_

I try not to cry and let my fear get the best of me, before I turn to face Peeta I suck up my emotions. He waits as I had the note to the nurse and tell her to give it to my mom as soon as she returns. I pull Peeta's sweater tighter around me as we head out into the chilly post storm air. Haymitch has already boarded the craft, with Paylor. Peeta waits while I ascend into the craft and come up behind me with the bags. It isn't long before we are soaring through the sky away to the capitol. I'm exhausted and curl my feet under me and lean into Peeta's body. I feel my eyes getting heavy as he softly holds me. My eyes have drifted shut but I am conscious, barely listening to Peeta and Haymitch talk. Paylor has wandered to the front of the cockpit to talk to the pilot.

Haymitch's gruff voice sparks my interest in the conversation I haven't really been too interested in, "You better take care of her." He says, sounding so protective.

Peeta talks softly, concerned about waking me up, "I will. Forever."

"That ring you gave her isn't something you can take back. I'm warning you to take care of her, it's not an option. You have to. You've committed to that girl, and I will hurt you if you ever hurt her."

"I know, Haymitch. Even though my dad is no longer here he made sure to tell me how to treat a girl like Katniss. I was raised to respect women, why do you think I made you go along with my plan to save her in the first games. I loved her then, and I love her even more now. I never could have killed her, when I was reaped I had already decided I do something elaborate or I die to save her."

My mind is reeling, I knew Peeta felt strongly for me but hearing him say it makes it so much more real. I'm failing at controlling my breathing, if I don't calm down Peeta will know I've been eavesdropping. I mentally giggle, he wouldn't ever get angry at me I could get away with it if I wanted.

"How did you know?" Peeta asks softly.

"You didn't give it away, she did. She can't keep a secret. I can read her like a large print book. She was glowing and dewy-eyed, how often is she like that? If you were going to keep it a secret, try hiding the ring."

"Oh." is all Peeta says, with a soft chuckle.

Half of me wants to lay here and keep listening, the other half wants to either smack Haymitch for making fun of me or hug him for caring about me.

"I knew the look on her face as she walked in. It was the look she had on her face when she collapsed in the prairie in the criminal games. When it looked like she was giving up, but the camera stayed trained on her. She wasn't smiling, but it was a look of happiness and peace. I've never asked her what she saw in her head then, maybe she doesn't even remember. But whatever she saw made her fight and come back to us." Haymitch recalls, I feel Peeta's hand still on my hip after his fingers were softly drawing patterns.

What neither of them now is that I do remember, I think of those beautiful images of Peeta and I every day. When I'm feeling lost and scared, I remember I have Peeta and a future of beautiful memories yet to come. They're comforting and give me hope when it seems like all hope is gone.

I don't know why Peeta's doesn't respond after what Haymitch has said. It falls quiet as time passes and I truly fall asleep. It isn't until Peeta gently wakes me up that I realize I am in a car. I don't know how I missed us completely getting off of the hovercraft and the entire drive to Paylor's mansion. Peeta helps me out of the car since sleep has clouded my coordination. We are taken to a large guest wing of the mansion, Haymitch grumbles goodnight and enters his room. Peeta opens the large white wood door and pulls me into the room. I spy the biggest bed I have ever seen, it could have easily fit four people in it. I kick off my shoes and flop down on the mounds of blankets and pillows. I hear Peeta rummaging through a bag and then climb into bed.

He leans over to me, "Katniss, where are your pajamas?"

I groan and sit up, I was so close to sleep again. I pull off his sweater and in one swift motion pull off my dress. I slide the sweater back on and button a few buttons. Peeta laughed and curled back into his pillows. I slide over closer to him and curl into his arms, my head already feeling heavy with sleep.

He kisses my temple and whispers, "You have no idea how good you look in my clothes."

I smile, "Tell me again in the morning, love." I'm so tired, I just want to sleep peacefully.

Just as I feel my body drifting away I hear Peeta talk, "Katniss…what did you dream about in the prairie?"

"You." I breathe heavily, my lips feeling like they've been filled with lead.

I can see Peeta and I dancing in the meadow now, it is more magnificent than the first time.

"Are you thinking about the same thing from the prairie right now." He says sounding just as sleepy as I do.

"I don't ever stop." I whisper.

Sleep takes us both quickly, and my head is filled with a different dance. The dance we will share at our wedding and a dance of sorts that was interrupted earlier.


	14. Let's give them something to talk about

I wake up to the sound of someone knocking on the door and Peeta moving swiftly to answer it. I hear them softly exchange a few words and then the door shuts. Peeta comes and sits by me on the right side of the bed.

"Good morning my beautiful fiancé." Peeta smiles and kisses me.

I grab onto his shirt as he leaned over me and pull him back to lying in bed with me. I am wrapped up in his arms, enjoying the moment. Fiancé, I think to myself and how beautiful the word sounds when he says it to me. I lean up and kiss him on the cheek.

"Who was at the door?"

"Haymitch. We have to be… prepped… today." He sighs heavily.

I groan, and think that I should have seen this coming, "Why!"

He shrugs his shoulders, "I think Paylor is going to have us on camera again."

We lay tangled in each other until the moment we have to absolutely get up. I don't even bother to shower, just simply put on black leggings and a sunset orange t-shirt that Peeta loves on me. I'm braiding my hair in the bathroom mirror when Peeta comes over and softly runs his hands over the love marks on my neck.

"They will all see them anyway, regardless if my hair is up or down." I admit defeat, seeing as I have no make-up to hide the purple-ish marks.

Another knock sounds from the door, and Peeta says that he thinks we are being prepped elsewhere in the capitol. I grab a silky white scarf that I found in one of the outfit bags Cinna's daughter gave to me. It was so pretty I just had to bring it with me. I wrap it around my neck and put on flats. Peeta is motioning for me to follow him. We are led to a car outside which will take us to where ever we are being prepped. It's dull, cloudy and looks like rain today, so the scarf seems like I planned it rather than tried to hide something.

We pull up to a gleaming building in the heart of the Capitol and ushered quickly into the buildings. I snatch Peeta's hand as a receptionist takes us to a room. It's a large room that appears to be an office. We sit on a squashy white couch by the window and peer out at the Capitol.

"It's different now." I say, taking in the city that has caused me so much pain.

"I still hate it." Peeta mutters, and I don't blame him.

"The people who made this place so bad are gone, Peeta. There are good people here." I say hopefully.

"Like who?" he asks in a sullen mood, I hate what this place is making him feel.

I look around the office, and pick up on the feminine and very capitol-eque style of the room, I know exactly who's office we are in.

"The person whose office we are in now." I smile, as I hear the doorknob click.

The door swings open and I'm met with someone I hadn't realized I missed until now.

"Effie!" I smile and leap to my feet.

She had pink hair today, matching the frilly lace dress that had seemed to flutter as she moved. I throw my arms around her in a hug and she smiles.

"Katniss, it is so good to see you not on a screen in an arena!" Effie gasps dramatically.

She observes me and then moves to Peeta who also hugs her. Effie, even if she is silly, means well. Peeta and I harbor no bad feelings for her, even though I am still not a fan of the hours she spent torturing me in high heels. She motions for us to sit on the couch and she pulls up a chair.

"So, before you leave to get prepped I need to tell you that you will be helping Paylor by encapturing the citizens of the capitol. They all fell in love with you two before, it's time to charm them again. I will be helping you two make the best image possible, but for now you need to go off and be made over."

She pushes Peeta toward the hall way and tell him to go to the last door on the right. A moment later she's taking me to an adjacent hallway and points to a door midway down on my left. I do as I am told and go to the room, as I open the door I am met with a squeal of delight. Blossom is standing next to my prep team, all of them looking dressed to the nines in Capitol couture. After greetings and warm hugs I am handed a robe.

"You know what to do" Octavia smiles and points to a privacy screen.

I venture behind the screen and remove all of my clothes, and lastly my new ring. I slip it off my finger and examine it. I notice something written on the inside in a miniscule fine elegant script, _Here is the place where I love you._ I feel all of the air leave my chest and my face fall in awe. I want to burst from the room, find Peeta and kiss him.

"Katniss?" I hear Blossom call out.

I tuck my ring into the pocket of the robe and step out from behind the screen. I stand before the table they want me to lay on and remove my robe. I feel self-conscious knowing the marks over my neck and shoulders will have no place to hide once the robe is gone. I take a deep breath and untie the robe and watch it flutter to my feet.

If they noticed the marks they didn't say anything about them, at least to my face. I bite my tongue as they rip hair from my body. After that torture is done they put me in a creamy bath and let me soak. Blossom kneels by me and whispers.

"This stuff will erase the marks on your neck." She affirms and smiles.

"I… if I had…" I stammer, not knowing why I felt the need to explain myself.

She shakes her head, "I get it. It happens to all of us."

She excuses herself and leaves the room saying something about checking on Peeta and Flavius. Octavia comes back after half an hour and rinses off the creamy liquid from my body. I'm back in my robe and taken to a chair and sink for my hair to be washed. I get a glimpse of my olive skin shimmering and set a glow by the bath. After my hair was washed both Octavia and Venia are working on my hair and nails. I zone out thinking of what they are doing to Peeta. I think about his muscled body being shined up and hairless. I didn't mind him having hair, but it was something new now. I didn't really get to enjoy his hairlessness the last time this happened. I sit as still as possible even though I desperately want to see Peeta now. The girls are quiet as they work on my make-up. Once they finish I and escorted away from a mirror until Blossom comes back with my outfit.

"Alright, Katniss! Drop that robe and put these on." Blossom chirps and hands me a garment bag.

Inside I find luxurious under clothes, the lace and sewing is far more elegant that the simple things I'm used to. I slide off my robe and drop it to the floor. I find a stunning soft creamy yellow dress. The silk slides down my body to just above my knees, and fits like a glove. I'm worried the strapless dress with cause me problems but I think I would offend Cinna's memory or Blossom if I voiced them. Step out from behind the screen and Blossom claps in delight.

"You look positively glowing! The girl on fire, glowing softly." Blossom smiles as she sets a pair of ivory high heels in front of me.

Effie has joined us now, "Katniss, you look beautiful! Peeta is waiting. We must be on our way."

Octavia just picked up my robe and I saw the gleam of my ring tumble to the floor. Everyone spots the ring on the floor, as Octavia stoops to pick it up and bring it to me. I can see it on their faces, they know the secret I wasn't ready to share with them just yet.

"Katniss… is that a wedding ring?" Blossom asks as Octavia sets it in my out stretched hand.

"I'm not married yet." I say and fidget with the beautiful ring.

"So Peeta finally got up enough courage to ask you the right way?" Effie muses, remembering how he merely announced our fake engagement to the world on tv without my permission.

"When!" Octavia gasps and takes a closer look at the ring.

I sigh remembering it all, "Last night."

They all smile and congratulate me, and on our way out of the room I finally get a glimpse of my transformation. My long hair is in large curls and seems to shimmer in the sun. My face is like nothing I have ever seen. I feel beautiful, and I let myself revel in the thought of it. My eyes are large and framed with long black lashes. My eyes are highlighted by soft silvery shadows that make them look stunning. Added with my pink lips and soft flushed skin, I think Peeta will faint at the sight of me. He thinks I am beautiful without make-up, so I'm expecting his jaw to drop. I think I will enjoy his reaction a lot.

Blossom, Octavia and Venia veer off to another room and leave me to follow Effie to the elevator back to the reception area.

"I am happy for you and Peeta. You deserve to be this happy, and I will see to it that you and Peeta get some time to yourselves here. You may hate the capitol but I think I could find a few places to make you change your mind." Effie smiles and pats my hand.

"Thank you, Effie." I smile, "Do you know what we are going to be doing?"

"You'll see soon enough!" She chirps and walks us out of the elevator when it opens.

I see the same car from earlier in the day, and Haymitch talking to someone I can't see because they're blocked by Haymitch. Effie smiles and says good bye as I push open the door and walk into the warm outside air. I close the distance to the car and I see Peeta standing by Haymitch. He looks stunning, his blond hair tousled and his blue eyes gleaming. He has a white button down shirt and black pants on. The top few buttons are casually undone, and I can see a small portion of his polished chest. I look back to his eyes and find his expression completely happy. I smile and collapse into his arms when I reach him.

"Okay you two. You are going to an interview. It is a weekly address, but you are a special addition. Paylor normally does a question and answer session with Caesar Flickerman, but today it will be you two doing the answering. You are here to help Paylor, you support her current plans. You need to let people know you are on her side. Make them fall in love with you." Haymitch says and then turns to me, "You started the rebellion, most these people are loyal to you still. Make them love you, Mockingjay."

He ushers us into the car and says he will see us when we come back. Once the car begins to move I see we are secluded in the back of the car. In fact it is a new car, we have a privacy window separating us from the driver.

Peeta turns toward me and looks me up and down, "You are too beautiful for words." He said and kisses me softly.

"You don't look too bad yourself." I whisper and place my hand over his heart, "I found the inscription."

He smiles slyly and pulls me close to him. I toss my legs over his lap and lean against him, watching the capitol blur by through the tinted windows. Peeta's soft hands trail up my smooth legs. I give in to my need to kiss him, knowing I will probably mess up my make-up now. The intensity of the kiss gets the better of us, and soon his hand slides up the outside of my thigh and stops at the lacy strap of my underwear.

I don't want to stop, but I feel the car stop and turn off, "Peeta." I groan.

I untangle myself and shimmy my dress down and use the reflection in the window to fix the smudges of my make-up. Peeta is wiping a smudge of pink from his lips and then door opens, from the outside. I wasn't expecting a hoard of camera and people to be shouting at us, but there they were. Peeta steps out and extends his arm into the car to pull me out.

I step into the view of the crowd and they seem to get louder, I want to hide in the car now.

"Why are they all here?" I say to Peeta as a few guards escort toward the building.

"I think that everyone wants to see the girl who was on fire." Peeta smiles and sweeps me into the spinning glass doors.


	15. im so glad my love i have you to miss

Peeta and I are ushered quickly to a large studio room with a stage. We're standing by the backstage curtains peering into the large crowd full of cameras and reporters. I am instantly nervous, and feel faint. Peeta's strong hand rests on the small of my back reassuring me.

"Keep breathing, we're doing this together." He says, there is an edge in his voice that suggests he's uncomfortable too.

He doesn't realize just how charming he is, or just how enraptured he made the people of Panem during our first game. His wit and demeanor will help him, whereas I remember I have no more appeal than a dead slug. I'm good at hostility, anger and pleading the people to follow the Mockingjay.

I see Ceasar Flickerman bustle onto stage and get ready. A stage hand tells us that Ceasar will announce us and we will walk in. I grasp Peeta's hand so hard I'm sure it hurts, but being the gentleman he is he would never say anything.

I watch Ceasar smile and greet the cameras, it's show time. He rambles on about the new changes the nation is undergoing. In the wake of Snow and Coin's deaths there has been a major overhaul of the way things are done. There is still starvation in the poor districts but motions are set to change that. The districts will all still have their primary industries but their own mini governments will be established. The Hunger Games have been banned, and a memorial has been erected in remembrance of the tributes who have died. The still standing arenas are being demolished and those still alive who were linked to the horrors of the past are being prosecuted. I am proud of what Paylor is doing even if listening to Caesar repeat her address has caused me distress. I am thinking of Prim, Rue, Mags and so many others I will never get back because of the past. It's not fair of me to think that Paylor's new regime would bring them back, but the pain in my heart makes me desperate for some relief.

"Alright folks! How about we bring you the treat we promised? Please welcome one of our guest stars, half of Panem's favorite couple. Let's bring Peeta Mellark on stage!" Caesar beams and a stage hand motions for Peeta to move.

I haven't loosened my death grip on his hand, "Darling, be brave." He kisses my hand and I let it fall back to my side.

He joins Caesar on stage and smiles warmly as the crowd applauses, "So Peeta, how have you been back in district 13?"

Peeta considers the question first, "It's interesting. I am working with the construction teams to rebuild the district above ground."

"Well, well, a victor of 2 games is helping rebuild a district. That is very admirable. Now tell us what went through your mind when Katniss was tried as a criminal."

Peeta flicks his eyes to me and then to the crowd, "It wasn't a good time. I didn't expect to have to watch her be taken from me. It was even worse when her face showed up on the screen in the criminal games. I didn't want to believe it, if I had known about her sentencing I would have tried to stop it. I would have tried to go in her place. I love her too much to watch her suffer."

Peeta is laying on the charm thick, the crowd is responding with emotion. He is playing right into the heartstrings of the Capitol people. I am swept up in his confession, my heart is hammering rapidly inside my barely breathing chest. I can do nothing but stare longingly at him from the left side of the stage.

Caesar smiles, "There have been some rumors surfacing that the romance that changed the games was faked, what do you have to say about that?"

Peeta looks stunned, I see the moment of uncertainty in his eyes. Caesar notices it and I'm sure everyone watching does.

"How about we get Katniss out here to help answer this one?"

I am ushered to the stage, I remind myself to appear cheery and calm in front of the camera. Both men stand as I walk toward them, Peeta being sweet as he is takes my hand as I step up to the raised section where the couch is. I sit closely to Peeta and twine my hand in his trying to disguise the shaking. We were supposed to talk about Paylor and the great things she was doing, not about us.

"Katniss, you look radiant! Now tell us are these rumors true?" Caesar pries slightly.

I glance at Peeta and he raises an eyebrow at me, "Well, yes and no."

Caesar motions for me to elaborate but Peeta steps in, "I always loved her she was the one who needed a little convincing. At first it was a lie, I thought it would be the one way I could save us both. It worked didn't it?"

"So you are saying the marriage, the baby, it was a lie?" Caesar asks poignantly.

I turn to Caesar, "Yes, but can't you see why we did it? We won the games, we started a rebellion, we've created a new era in Panem. This lie has given us all a new life, I think it was justified."

Caesar nods and I see heads in the crowd doing the same, "We are all thankful for that. I think we can all say the Mockingjay has changed us all. So I must ask now, you two sit before us, holding hands and looking very happy. What is this?"

I smile with Peeta and wrap my hand over our already clasped hands. Peeta's blue eyes sparkle with his feelings for me.

"Like I said it took her a while to warm up to me. We are not living a lie anymore, I love her and she loves me. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, look at her she is as radiant as the sun."

I want to smile brightly and stare into his eyes, Caesar and the crowd are just eating this up.

"So will we be hearing true wedding bells any time soon?" Caesar is on the edge of his seat.

I don't care anymore, I want to tell the whole world that I am going to be married to Peeta. Sitting here on screen watching Peeta profess his love has made me ashamed of the fact that I ever wanted to keep it a secret. I pull my left hand from his and lean over to Caesar and show him the dazzling ring.

"Oh my, I believe congratulations is in order!" Caesar chimes the crowd claps.

The crowd cheers and hollers in approval. I can't help but smile and oblige them with a soft kiss between Peeta and I. Caesar prods us with more mundane questions about our relationship then later in the interview he brings up our mission here.

"So why are you two here?" He asks promptly.

Peeta nudges me as if to say this is your time to speak Mockingjay. I stare into the crowd and try to voice my best understanding of our purpose.

"We're here to help President Paylor in any way possible. We want to see Panem restored to something beautiful. I know for a fact that President Paylor will lead us into a new era of peace. I think we all owe it to those who've died mercilessly at the hands of our past rulers to make an effort to become a new nation. I owe it to the people who saved my life during the games and those who died because of the rebellion."

It's suddenly too much, the faces of Rue, Cinna, Prim, my father, Mags, and the others who've forever changed my life swim before my eyes. I think Caesar and Peeta heard the inflection of my voice rise to a choked squeak. Caesar get the point and sums up the show with a positive, hopeful line and bids farewell to his audience.

The lights go off and the crowd files out, as the stage curtain shuts on us. I'm barely keeping myself composed, barely staving off the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I want to be here to help Paylor but it's too soon. Prim's murder is too real. As are the deaths of Rue and Cinna.

Caesar moves over toward me as Peeta pulls me to my feet, "You two were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better show. I'm sure I will be seeing you two some more. Congratulations again, I'm even more delighted about your wedding the second time around!"

Peeta maneuvers me off the stage as the warm tears spill down my flushed cheeks. I hate what this place is doing to my emotions. Peeta guides me down a quiet hallway out of the way of busy workers. I lean into his chest and try to make the pain go away. My hands are balled into fists against my sides, letting the anger get the best of me. Snow and Coins deaths weren't enough for what they did to Prim and everyone else I loved. Peeta grabs my hands and pries them open before my nails draw blood.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" He asks sweetly.

"Prim." That is all I can manage to say, before my eyes flood again.

Peeta fishes out a small cloth and gently wipes tears off my face, "She would be proud of you, Darling. She wouldn't want you to be upset like this. Don't let her death be in vain, channel this anger and frustration into rebuilding this nation. You were a showstopper out there, you've got to keep it up."

He is right, tears and anger won't bring Prim back. Nothing will, only time will make it hurt less. I feel Peeta shaking a little bit, I've been so needy I've forgotten about his needs.

"This place makes me remember everything…" I say in a saddened voice.

"It's like a nightmare." Peeta whispers and hugs me tightly.

He is right, every minute we spend here it brings back bad memories of our reaping, the quell, and the bad parts of the rebellion. I can't get my mind off the deaths, I know Peeta is thinking of his hijacking. I'm worried now that he may relapse, and try to hurt me. My mind tells me to talk to Haymitch about this concern. Peeta would be hurt if he found out I was slightly afraid now. I can vividly remember him strangling me with the same hands that have given me support.

We find out way back to the waiting car and step into the early evening. Flashing screens and boards blur by the car as we head back to Paylor's mansion. Instead of going inside we wander around a very well landscaped garden. I am drawn toward a giant weeping willow tree in the center of the fenced in backyard. With my shoes in one hand and Peeta's hand in the other I drag him off to the mystery behind the dangling branches. Inside the veil of leaves we are cut off from everything, only bits and pieces of light break through the leaves causing a dazzling shimmering effect.

Peeta sits against the trunk with me sitting in front of him between his legs. I'm leaning against his chest enjoying his strong arms around me.

"Can we just stay here forever?" He asks.

"What?" I query and turn to look at him.

"Inside this tree sitting with you, I feel like I'm somewhere safe. I like it right here."

I smile and kiss him after I fully turn around. He happily pulls me closer to him, and then after some arranging I straddle his lap.

"I love you." He says with a surge of passion in his eyes.

I respond with a whisper, "You are my everything and I love you."

He pulls my face toward him then our foreheads touch then our lips. His hands are wound tightly into the fabric of my dress. We stay under the tree kissing for a long time until the temperature gets colder as the sun drops from the sky.

On our way back to the front of the mansion we run into Effie and Haymitch. They both look relieved to see us.

"We thought something happened to you two!" Effie gasped.

"You have to be careful where you two run off too, not everyone loves you. We need to keep you safe." Haymitch reminds.

"Sorry… we just needed a moment, the interview was harder than either of us thought." Peeta admits.

Haymitch nods and looks at me, "You were brilliant, especially at the end." He reassures me.

Effie beckons for me to follow her, "Come one we have something to do!"

I follow her into the mansion and into the room Peeta and I have. I see a garment bag on the bed and I hear Blossom bustling around in the bathroom.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Paylor is having a banquet for all of the newly elected district governments tonight. You need to be dressed and at the banquet hall within the hour." Effie spoke as she pushed me toward the bathroom.

I am stripped down to nothing but the embarrassing skimpy underwear, and no bra. Blossom tugs the silky dress over my head, she has asked me not to look at it yet. While my eyes are closed she tells me the story behind the dress.

"My dad made this dress a few days before he died. I remember watching him pour over the design, and crumpling up the failed drawings. He kept saying this dress would be your favorite, because it would make you feel something you've never felt about yourself." She flutters around me adjusting parts of the dress.

The cool satin is cold against my skin, and it feels weightless. For a second I felt naked, until I brushed my elbow against the smooth bodice. Blossom helps me into a pair of high heels, and then whispers for me to open my eyes. I open my eyes and stare into the full length mirror ahead of me. I don't recognize the girl in it, she is not me. She is something I've never called myself. She is sexy, and alluring. I can't take my eyes off her. The silk dress has no back, I realize as I turn in the mirror. The cut out back comes to a point right at the small of my back. It is very exposed, it feels thrilling. The black dress is stunning in the front as well. It fits so tightly to my body and then gently flares out around my knees. I look amazing, and like a woman. My small body look figured and no longer girlish. Blossom places an onyx necklace around my neck and the image is complete after a few adjustments to my make-up.

With no hesitation I am following Effie to the car. I wonder why Peeta is not with me, I desperately want to be close to him. It isn't long before we are stopped in front of a building and effie turns to give me directions.

"I am not going in, you have to keep up the same mentality from the interview. Don't hold back, you and Peeta are going to be in the spotlight now." She pats my hand and motions for me to get out of the car.

I follow an escort into the building and through a few winding hallways until I begin to hear the commotion of a large group of people. Just beside the door I spot Peeta looking absolutely dashing in a crisp black tuxedo. His eyes light up as he watches me walk toward him.

He wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear, "Darling, you look so beautiful."

He twirls me around to get the full effect. His hands run down the exposed skin of my back making me shiver at the light touch.

"You clean up nicely." I smile and touch the soft fabric of the tuxedo jacket and lean up to kiss him.

We enter the room and stick relatively close to Paylor, as she asked us too. She introduces us to person after person who release question upon question. We are handed flutes of a sparkling, bubbly liquid. It has fresh raspberries floating in it. I've had two glasses and my head has started to feel fuzzy. It's a light airy feeling that makes me giggly, and at ease. Dinner comes around and it brings more of the sparkling drink and my favorite lamb stew. Paylor makes a few speeches and talks about her plans to bring in a new era for Panem. Peeta and I smile and nod in agreement with her proclamations. By the end of the night I'm lightheaded and drowsy, clinging to Peeta's hand.

By the time we get back to the mansion I am almost dead on my feet, Peeta has to carry me to the room. I don't mind at all, being wrapped tightly in his arms is exactly where I want to be. Inside the dark confines of the room Peeta sets me down.

"Peeta." I whisper as I kiss his cheek and then his lips.

I don't have to persuade him to respond, his hands wrap around me and pull me close. I wiggle in delight when his warms hands tickle my exposed back. He picks me up and sets me on the bed, pulling off my shoes and discarding them with his jacket. I lay back onto the bed, fighting my dizzy head. Peeta kicks off his shoes and crawls toward me. I throw my arms around his strong neck and pull him on top of me. It isn't long before we've picked up where we left off the night Peeta asked me to marry him. He kisses a trail down my neck as my numb fingers release the last button on his shirt. I smile as I slide it off his body and press my hands against his warm chest. I try to hook my leg around his but I'm restricted by the tight dress. I push Peeta onto his back and softly tell him to be patient. I quickly unzip my dress and let it slide off my body. I remember a comment Peeta made the other night about his clothes on me. I grab his dress shirt and button two of the buttons. I crawl back toward him and curl up against his body, and sigh as his warm hands trails up my exposed leg.

"Did I tell you how much I like it when you wear my clothes." He whispers and rolls toward me again.

I know the words I want to say, I am still sober enough o be embarrassed by the thought of them, "Why don't you show me how much you like it?"

A spark ignites in his eyes as he kisses me with a whole new fervor. His hands run courses all over my body, making me squirm in delight. I lean over him, unzip his pants and throw them to the floor. I straddle his lap and seek out his lips, while my fingers wind themselves through his hair. His lips work a path down my neck and across my exposed shoulder, softly biting when I least expect it.

His hands slip up my legs and under the tails of the shirt I'm wearing. In one strong movement he rolls us over and nestles me back into the pillows. I curl my legs around his and kiss him harder than I ever have before. His free hand pulls open the last button on my shirt and pulls my body into his. I trail my hands down his broad shoulders and around to his muscled abdomen. My sure hands grasp the edge of his underwear and fnally with courage I hook my finers under the band.

Peeta's lips break from mine, "Katniss…" he speaks.

I don't understand what he is getting at so I lean up and kiss him again. He obliges but pulls away from me.

"Darling… I can't" he whispers still leaning over me.

One of his hands is clenched tightly on the headboard, his face is pained. I feel upset and embarrassed now. I let the reality of exactly what he "can't" do with me, and I am hurt. I'm sure the emotion registers on my face, as I see his own expression fall to sadness.

"I can't let this moment happen here. I can't… you have to understand me." He breathes with a noticeable sigh.

"I get it." I say, I suppose that came out a lot more angst filled than I meant but I truly an upset with him.

"No you don't… if you did you wouldn't be angry with me." He sits up, and I wrap the shirt around me.

I don't know what to say, I just pull my knees to my chest and bury my head in my knees to hide the fact that I will probably cry shortly.

"I want this, Katniss. Believe me I do. I can't let something as special as our first time happen here in a place that reminds us of so much horror." He admits, and thus begins the traitorous tears.

I gather my what's left of my pride and as the question I don't want to ask, "So you won't touch me as long as we are here? Do you want to sleep elsewhere?"

"Why are you taking it like this?" He groans, "I can't do it Katniss, I'm sorry!"

Its silent until he speaks again, "Katniss…"

I choke back a sob but it's too late he knows I'm crying now. I feel him get off the bed and rustle about with clothes. He is reaching for the door knob when I find my voice again.

"Peeta… don't go… please stay here!" I plead through the tears.

He leaves the room without a word and I am left to come to terms with the nightmares that will come tonight. Body shaking sobs hit me light a freight train as I bury my head into the pillow. All of the sudden the beautiful wedding ring feels too heavy on my finger, and the question in my head surfaces. Why am I doing this?


	16. the pain reminds me how our love can be

I lay wide awake all night suffering not so silently. Strangled sobs escape me when my control breaks. I'm so angry at him, not for refusing me but for leaving me alone. I'm terrorized by my own mind at night. Peeta is the reassuring peace my mind craves, and tonight I will get no such relief. I pull his shirt tighter around me and breathe in the scent of him. It's nothing compared to him physically being here. Sleep never find me, I take to pacing the room and staring out the windows. Once morning breaks the day offers no happiness. Dark grey cloud laden with rain roll into the Capitol. Thunder and lightning crash and flash in the sky. Effie calls the phone in the room and informs me we have the day off, our plans to be outside today have been ruined by the rain. I take a long shower and braid my hair. I slip into a soft knit pair of leggings and a fitted long sleeve sweater in dull silver. I climb back into bed and figure out how to work the fancy tv in the room. I settle for movie, in which I don't pay attention to.

Sleep takes me into the arena that started my terrors. Peeta lies dead a few feet from the cornucopia, and the mutts are ascending upon me. Cato has tied me to the cornucopia and leers at me as the mutts tear at my body. With a loud pop my whole arm is wrenched from my body. This continues limb after limb until the last mutt's razor sharp teeth sink into my neck. I awake drenched in sweat and screaming at the top of my lungs. It isn't long before I feel queasy and my stomach lurches. I barely make it into the bathroom as my hateful stomach assaults me. Sweat rolls from my head down my back, my entire body trembles. I have nothing left to give, these terrors effect me too much. I know Cato is dead, and Peeta is alive. Knowing that doesn't make the terrors go away. I curl up on the cold tile floor, pressing my cheek against it. I will myself to get my stomach under control as it flops and churns more… it will only be a matter of time before I'm sick again.

I hear the door click open and shut softly than hurried foot steps toward me.

"Sweetheart, off the floor." Haymitch states.

I wished it was Peeta, but I can't always get what I want, "No… I'm going to get sick again. Leave, please."

Haymitch laughs and sits on the floor and puts a cold cloth on my neck, "Why don't you tell me why you were screaming in the middle of the day?"

"Scary movie." I breathe.

"Why are you sick then?" He states believe none of what I am telling him.

"Hung-over." I offer feebly.

"You are poor liar." He says.

"You are annoying." I groan as more bile rises in my throat.

After another round of being sick, I'm dizzy and shaking even more. I hear Haymitch turn on the faucet and comment about me drinking water. He hands a small cup to me, full of cold water. I take a long pull from it and realize what he has done to me. The water is sickly sweet, laced with sleep syrup. My mind is already drowsing before I can even think of a way to force myself to throw up again.

"Sorry sweetheart, you'll thank me later." Haymitch scoopes me up and places me in bed again.

I'm angered as sleep consumes me, this time with no dreams.


	17. i will never walk away again

After another round of being sick, I'm dizzy and shaking even more. I hear Haymitch turn on the faucet and comment about me drinking water. He hands a small cup to me, full of cold water. I take a long pull from it and realize what he has done to me. The water is sickly sweet, laced with sleep syrup. My mind is already drowsing before I can even think of a way to force myself to throw up again.

"Sorry sweetheart, you'll thank me later." Haymitch scoops me up and places me in bed again.

I'm angered as sleep consumes me, and the anger fuels the horrors within my own mind. I have the same dream this time Clove, Cato and Peeta are filleting my skin to the bone. They feed each strip to the mutts.

When I finally escape my dreams and open my eyes, I am in the bathroom again. The shower is streaming cold water and Peeta is about to push me into it. I dig my heels into the rug, but he easily over compensates for me struggling against him and we tumble into the shower. Unfortunately for me my bad ribs slam into the slightly raised lip of the shower stall. Among the blinding pain and nausea from the terrors I manage to remove myself from the cold spray of water.

I lay flat on my back on the rug, my hands clutching my ribs, "Peeta! What the hell! I was awake."

I shouldn't yell at him but I'm angry, hurt and cold. All three of which are his fault, so maybe I do have the right to yell. He is emerging from the shower more wet than I am, and he doesn't look particularly happy. He kneels next to me and makes to help me up.

"No! Peeta, don't touch me!" I cringe and hold my throbbing ribs.

He notices the pain and how I'm holding my side and groans, "Don't move! I'm getting help."

I laugh and then hiss at the pain, _Right… like I'll be moving anytime soon on my own._ I lay on the floor contemplating my options. I know I've done equal or if not more damage to my ribs than the day I fell out of the tree. I haven't been wearing the wrap and medicine to speed up the healing. I am doomed to have to start from the beginning and try to heal again. The days of painful breathing, jabbing pain with the slightest shift in movement, I won't be happy about any of this. If Peeta had just stayed with me I wouldn't be like this.

Peeta and several other people rush into the room. Effie, Paylor, and Haymitch all crowd into the bathroom.

"Peeta, you need to get ready. It looks like you will be doing the appearances alone today." Effie states and motions for Peeta to get going.

"No. I'm going with her." Peeta states firmly.

I take a deep breath, "Peeta go do what Effie says. Nothing good will come from neither of us being out in the public for two days."

It's true, I know the tight schedule of interviews and public appearances that will be key to Paylor's plan. I see Haymitch clap Peeta on the shoulder and lead him to the door with Effie. Paylor runs off to call a doctor to the mansion.

"Sweetheart, we need to get you off the floor." Haymitch mentions knowing no way to get my off the floor will be painless.

After a few minutes of my slow moving, Haymitch scoops me up and puts me gently on the bed. He pulls a chair up next to me and sits.

"What happened?"

I sigh, "You drugged me and it didn't work."

Haymitch laughs, "That's now what I'm asking about, sweetheart. What happened between you and Mellark?"

I flush in embarrassment, I cannot talk to Haymitch about why Peeta refuses to touch me in any intimate way.

My ribs prevent me from breathing deeply, everything that comes out of my mouth falls in short breaths, "Disagreement. Being here isn't good for either of us."

Haymitch nods in understanding. Years of alcohol abuse was the only way Haymitch could deal with the Capitol.

"Peeta's the only thing that keeps the terrors away and he hasn't been here…" I whisper and tears form in my eyes.

Haymitch stays with me until the doctor arrives. My fears are confirmed in that I've re-injured everything they fixed. The synthetic ribs they put in are virtually indestructible, but I've bruised and broken the ones they were able to salvage originally. He injects a healing medicine into my ribs directly. It won't heal them quickly, but it will help speed up the natural process of healing. He believe they aren't as seriously broken as they were before. He wraps another bandage around my ribs and leaves.

I've requested I be left alone, I'm embarrassed by the recent events that have happened. It seems that everyone suspects Peeta and I are fighting. I'm draped in a blanket because I'm too sore and in pain to struggle to put a shirt on over the bandage. I flick on the tv and find the televised interview with Peeta and another interviewer.

"Tell us Peeta, where is Katniss today?" The woman asks, her curly turquoise hair bounces around her head.

Peeta smiles, "Well she had a little accident this morning and banged herself up pretty well."

I instantly see why everyone is enamored with him, the way he talks and presents himself is just too perfect. I must look stupid next to him on camera. He laughs off my accident and I'm glad. The last thing I need is all of the Capitol and Panem obsessing over my clumsiness.

"Is she okay?" The reporter prods.

"This is Katniss Everdeen we are talking about. She'll be just fine, she can handle anything that slips in her way."

I snicker at his play on words, how he casually mentioned my slip in a way no one would ever suspect I have fallen.

"Katniss Everdeen, soon to be Katniss Mellark. Tell us Peeta how is the wedding coming along?"

I choke on the bit of water I've sipped on. Katniss Mellark… the name resonates in my head. It sounds different and strange to me.

Peeta smiles, he looks lost in the memory of something. Probably our engagement night, until it was interrupted.

"We've only just gotten used to the idea of being engaged." He laughs, his eyes sparkle in the high intensity lights on the set.

The lady presses on, "How about a wedding date?"

Peeta sighs and looks at his folded hands, "We haven't even talked about it. All that matters to me is that she said yes. If she wants to get married tomorrow or 10 years from now I will make it happen. I want nothing more than for her to be happy."

The live audience "awws" and the reporter looks like she could cry, but who am I to just Peeta's words have woken the butterflies in my stomach.

"So you're saying Katniss can plan whatever she likes?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." He laughs, "All that matters to me is seeing her in a white dress and knowing she loves me as much as I love her."

The rest of his interview goes on to talk about our plans in the capitol and how we will be helping Paylor. I click the tv off when it's over and think about what he's said. I've managed to get up and move slowly to the bathroom sometime later that night when the door pushes open. I have a shirt clutched in my hand intent on putting it on. Peeta stands in the bathroom doorway and smiles weakly at me. He is still in his interview clothes, nice black pants and a dark evergreen button-up shirt.

"Peeta…" I start, I don't want to be angry anymore.

He moves closer to me, "Shh… I need you to listen to me."

I nod and clasp my hands in front of me waiting for him to talk again.

"I want you to know that last night had nothing to do with how I feel about you. I love you more than anything and I want to share that intimacy with you, darling, I really do. I want that just as bad as you do, but not here. Neither of us sleep well, we are under a constant microscope. You're terrors are worse than ever. Being together like that is something I want to happen when I can look back and remember how perfect it was. If I let that happen last night it would be forever tainted by this place. Tell me that you believe that too? You mean too much to me, I could never allow that to happen unless it was absolutely perfect for us both. I don't want you to think it was because I didn't want you." His hands slide to rest on my upper arms.

I nod that I understand, tears of shame and regret flood my face. I'm ashamed I overreacted and I regret yelling at him. I take a deep strangled breath and lean into his chest. He softly hugs me, minding my injured ribs.

"You have every right to be angry at me, Katniss. I never should have left you alone like that. I won't ever leave you alone at night if I can help it."

I'm full out crying now; gut wrenching sobbing into his chest. It's the fear I experience in my sleep that has caused this.

"Katniss…" He whispers, "What's going on? Tell me."

"I'm scared, Peeta. I hate it here." I divulge into the horrors of my dreams.

He isn't happy at all, especially when I tell of the ways I'm torn to pieces by the mutts. We are informed of dinner but neither of us has a will to eat anymore. He ushers me back to bed and gingerly slips the blue shirt from my hand and puts it on me. I think of the irony of the situation. How a night ago I wanted him to take my clothes off and now he is putting them on me. He lays down with me and cradles me into his arms. My head is resting over his heart, taking comfort in its strong heartbeat.

"How do you sleep at night? How come you don't have terrors?" I ask knowing he paints but I haven't seen him do that in a while.

He reaches out for his night stand and pulls out a large leather bound book. He hold it in front of us and opens the pages. There are beautifully done sketches and paintings in the pages. He flips through them stopping when I ask him a question. One that takes my breath away is one probably set in the future. Its me in a wedding dress, in a pretty meadow under an arch of blue flowers. I reach out and touch the page.

"It's one of my favorites. I drew it before we even fell in love."

"Peeta… this is beautiful."

"It's nothing compared to the girl who I get to marry."

I flip through the next few pages and find one that makes my heart stop. Its Peeta and I, a little girl sits on my lap. I know who she is because the blond hair and dark eyes and skin have made it clear what she is. It's a child, our child. I don't want children, and this makes it clear that he does.

I think that he can feel my anxiety toward the picture because he sighs and turns the page.

"It was just a dream Katniss… it doesn't have to ever be our reality." The pain in his voice is evident.

I feel more guilty than ever especially about the pills I've asked Blossom to find for me. Pills that for when Peeta and I ever did become intimate would ensure I'd never have a baby. It would kill him to know that. I feel sick to my stomach now that I have a secret that I may never tell Peeta about. It would hurt him too much.


	18. Theres a side of you that i never knew

Everyday is scheduled, and we must stay on task or beware the wrath of Effie. It's been more than two months in the Capitol. Day in and day out Peeta and I prepped and ushered from place to place. Recently each day has been harder and harder to wake up for, Paylor has been requesting we go to the sites of old Hunger Games arenas and watch the teardowns. It was fine and all until we reached the arenas for our first game and then what was left of the Quell arena. Those night we didn't sleep, both of us reliving the games in our minds. You can see the physical effects is having on us. Each day it takes longer to prep to cover dark circles in our eyes and made adjustments to clothes as we've both lost weight.

I've had a particularly bad night, when I terror involving Peeta and Haymitch offering me to Gale who would eventually in my terror carve me up. When I was woken from the terror by Peeta I proceeded to try at attack him with a ceramic vase. Naturally I was sedated, heavily. When I woke the next day, I was informed by Haymitch that Paylor and her advisors were deciding on whether or not Peeta and I should continue to stay here. He said when I was ready I should dress and go to the meeting.

I shower and find an outfit set aside for me. I put on a sunset orange silk dress and a black cardigan with grey flat shoes. It is warm and soft, perfect for the chilly late fall day outside.

I find everyone gathered in a meeting room, Peeta saving a seat for me. I slide into the chair beside him and hook my hand in his.

"They're all getting lunch, are you hungry?" He asks softly, knowing my answer is the same as his.

"No." I still feel groggy from the sedation.

Peeta picks at the hem of the dress, "My favorite color… it looks even better on you."

He kisses my cheek and I squeeze his hand in return, "What's happened so far?"

"Not much. They've discussed you a lot." He muses and traces patterns on the back of my hand.

"Why?" I ask.

"The effects of this place are far more severe on you."

I'm angry about it now, "You don't sleep either, we're both losing weight. It's effecting both of us the same."

"Darling… no its not… you scream in your sleep. You are physically sick for days after each terror. I don't even bring you comfort the way I used to. You attached me with a vase the other morning. Sweetheart, it's so much worse for you."

My hand finds the little lump on his head where I remember hitting him with the vase. Each time they sedate me it takes me a while to remember why I was sedated.

"You got me pretty good." He smiles and kisses the inside of my scrawny wrist.

Paylor and the everyone else comes back from lunch, ready to settle more business. I am grateful for the tremendous strides Paylor is making as President, I just don't care to hear her analyze and strategize the same things over and over. I zone out as she goes over statistics and reports of rebels being caught. I'm snapped back to reality when Peeta nudges me softly.

"Now, Peeta and Katniss, I can't even begin to thank you two enough for the help you've given me."

"What help? We are paraded around to talk about our relationship more than anything." I state, not catching the angle she is coming from.

"That is a valid point, Katniss. You've helped more than you realize. You and Peeta have given the nation something to gossip about, something to follow and entertain them. This has helped us more than we ever imagined. Back when Snow and Coin had control there were ways and technologies to monitor all of the citizens in Panem. We found a particular technology that lets us know who is and isn't watching the interviews and press events. Can you think of one person who wouldn't want to watch you and Peeta divulge details about your relationship and impending wedding?"

I nod, "Gale."

"Exactly. I think we have located their rebels hide out because of that. I've already sent a team to watch the location and see what they can discover." Paylor says and her advisors nod in approval.

Peeta sits up, "Where is the location?"

Paylor looks at me, Haymitch and then Peeta, "District 12."

Nobody watches for Haymitch or Peeta to react, I am counted on as the one to blow a gasket and cry. I am a basket case and everyone knows it. It isn't my fault, it's my current situation that has made me this way. Leave it Gale to try and ruin my relationship with Peeta and now he's help defile the memory of my home.

We are dismissed shortly after, having a schedule to keep to after all. I'm ordered by Haymitch to go back to bed and rest and he will be by with food. He has taken to forcing food on me. He means well, he is acting like the father I miss so much. He doesn't know what little I do eat, I usually expel from my body hours later when the terrors come.

Peeta snuggles next to me, "I have to go with Effie in a bit. I won't be long Caesar wants an interview."

I wind my hands into his shirt and lean my head into his shoulder, "Can we talk about something happy?"

"Okay… how about I tell you how much I am looking forward to seeing you in a beautiful dress tonight for Paylor's national speech." Peeta smiles, "I can't wait to dance with you, to kiss you."

I kiss his lips softly, "One less thing to anticipate."

I hear Effie's heels clicking down the hallway, Peeta rolls his eyes and sighs. We know our time is up.

"I'll be back before you even get a chance to miss me." He whispers and kisses my cheek.

I catch his chin and pull him back for a real kiss. It isn't like the reluctant timid ones we've been sharing. Ever since the fight we had, Peeta has been far too careful with how he shows his affection for me. The kisses are sweet but lacking in passion. He exhibits far more self-control than I do, so often he breaks away and reminds me of the boundary we set. This time is different, I made sure of that. I caught him off guard and his emotions get the better of him.

He kisses me back with a new found intensity that I easily match. He pulls away from me and smiles.

"I love you. I have to go or Effie will have my head." He kisses me again and then leaves.

When Haymitch comes around I oblige him at pick at the small roll, the soup look unappetizing. Promising him I will eat more at dinner, he leaves me to get dressed. Octavia and Blossom come into my room and set out on making me pretty again. It seems like 2 hours are spent on my face and hair. Once I no longer look dead on my feet, Blossom helps me into a dress. Its tight knit dress under an overlay of elegant lace. It stops at my knees and the lace extends down to my wrists. It's simple and elegant at the same time.

My hair is curled and I am set on my way to the building for the speech. I was told Peeta would meet me there. It does nothing to calm my mind when Peeta doesn't show up for more than half of the event. I've been forced to smile and act cheerful when I am severely scared that Peeta is in trouble. Once Paylor has made her speech and dinner has concluded, I extract myself from the room. My frantic footsteps echo off the empty hallway walls, as I venture toward the entrance to the building. I've just passed a particularly dark room when an arm reaches out and grabs me. A strong hand rips me into the room and shut the door with a click.

"Scream or even make a noise and you will be dead before you even hit the ground." The strong hand has a painful grip on my throat.

I'm pushed up against the wall before I can register in my mind that this wasn't Peeta surprising me.

"Why are you doing this!" I whisper, afraid to raise my voice any higher.

"You know why." The person says in a distinct male voice that only I could recognize.

It pains me to say it, "Gale…"

He trembles as my realization, "Don't talk to me like that."

My hand snakes up my thigh to the small knife I keep banded around my leg. I've gotten a grip on it and have managed to hide it behind my back.

"Gale… just go. Leave me alone." I say pity sparks tears in my eyes.

His fist punches the wall next to my head, I jerk away in fright, "I can't let you go, you don't know the effect you have on me Katniss."

His hand slips from my neck, then both of his hands clasp my upper arms, "I get it Gale… Please just go. If they find you here… they'll kill you."

I'm angry at him but the last thing I need is to worry about my former best friends life.

"I have nothing left, don't you get it. I gave up district 12 and everything to help you. You picked him over me!" He growls pushing harder into my body.

Tears spring into my eyes, "I can't help who I fell in love with, Gale."

I feel his chest heaving against me, "You could have. You should have come back and realized my feelings for you."

I shake my head sprinkling the tears between us, "Please just leave. If you love me at all you will leave me alone!"

He trembles even harder then crashes his lips into my own. I try to rip my face out of the way of his but he pulls a hand to my face and holds me still. His hand presses harder into my arms, until I can't take the pinching pain anymore. I wedge my free arm in between us and push with all my might.

"Katniss… just let me show you how I feel." He pleads, his hand touches the hem of my dress.

His intent was made clear by his gesture, I whip my knife between us and he staggers back.

"How dare you think I would give you something I haven't even shared with Peeta." I growl at him

He says nothing and I back him into the corner of the opposite wall, "You have ruined everything for me, Gale. You've ruined my engagement, you are trying to ruin my relationship and I bet you are here trying to ruin my life. So let's hear it!" I hiss, truly angered now.

He reaches for his own knife and points it back at me, "You'll regret this. I was going to tell them to spare him but you've only made it worse for him. Have fun with that!" He hisses into my face.

I slash my small knife at his and cut his chest, he retaliates with a slice across the top of my wrist. I stagger back in searing pain, and he bolts for the window. I stumble into the nearest bathroom and grab a towel off the wall and wrap it around my bleeding wrist. I fumble to sheath the knife again and make my way to a spot where I will feel safe. I'm bolting into the pouring rain for courtyard with a few trees. Peeta is behind me, having just watched me bolt from the building.

I've barely gotten a grip on the situation before Peeta bursts into my view and crouches near me. I have nothing to say as he takes in the blood on my hands, and leg where my sheath is. His hands gently pull the towel open and exposes the gash to the bone.

"Katniss… you didn't do this to yourself did you?" He breathes heavily and closes the towel applying firm pressure to the wound.

"No!" I cry, "Why would I do that!"

The angry tears mix with the water than is pouring in on us through the sparse branches of the few trees in the stone courtyard. The concern on his face doesn't lessen with my confirmation that I didn't harm myself. I'm slightly angry that he suspects I would have intentionally done this.

He sighs, "Then please tell me why I've come back to a supposedly happy occasion and you are crying and covered in blood."

I tell him everything except Gale threatening his life, I need to figure out how I can protect him before he flies off the handle and tries to fix it himself.

"He got into the presidents high security building and your first thought is to hide outside?" Peeta looks at me quizzically.

"Yes?" I answer not really sure why I did run out here.

He holds me against his chest, I can almost hear his brain firing away trying to make sense of it all. Peeta scoops me into his arms and rushes back inside. We are a soppy mess, Effie would have a fit if she saw us. Peeta sets me down and I follow him back toward the ballroom. He turns as faces me, his face darkens immensely.

"What?" I whisper afraid he could be having an episode.

"He choked you?" Peeta grinds his teeth as he gently touches my neck.

I pull my hair to cover my neck and beg him to get Haymitch so I won't have to cause a scene in the middle of Paylor's dinner. Peeta rushes into the room and it seems like barely a second has passes before Haymitch is bursting out of the doors. He motions for us to follow him and leads us to the car that brought me here.

I'm sandwiched between them as the care speeds away. Peeta helps me wrap the towel tightly around my wrist. The two of them are talking hurriedly as the car zooms through the Capitol. When we get back to Paylor's mansion, I can see guards searching and securing the building. We are made to sit in the car for almost an hour before the guards give us the all-clear to go into the building.

Haymitch takes us to the large room where Paylor has her meetings and tells us to sit. Once Haymitch settled down he approaches me seeking the truth.

"Sweetheart, who was it?" He asks kneeling by my chair.

I can't find it in my heart to admit it was him, my mouth struggles to form any word. I just don't want it to be true, I can feel his hands gripping my neck.

Peeta leans forward, "Katniss… tell him. Why are you protecting him?"

"He was my best friend, Peeta. You can't expect me to betray him so quickly." I retort clenching my fists, a stinging pain erupts in my wrist.

Haymitch notices, and peeks under the towel, "I have something to fix that, hold tight sweetheart."

Once Haymitch is gone Peeta leans close to me, "Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"No… I'm fine Peeta." I answer weakly, he doesn't seem convinced.

"There's blood on your legs, darling…" He says quietly motioning to the bloody prints on my thighs.

I realize what he's insinuating and I start to cry knowing that Gale had that intent in his eyes.

"Peeta." I choke out, "He wanted to do that. He didn't get too, I swear. I can't believe he would do this."

Peeta is relieved and pulls me into his chest, "You're safe here darling. I won't let anything happen to you."

He rips a shred of the towel on my wrist and softly wipes the blood off my leg. His hand flips up the hem of the dress and he laughs.

"You carry a knife?" He asks.

"I know how to use it. I cut him before he got away." I mention.

Peeta smiles and kisses me softly, just then Haymitch returns with a syringe. Perhaps the largest syringe I've ever seen.


	19. i couldn't stay away,i couldn't fight it

****Thank you all so much for the nice comments. It means a lot to me. I just want to say I know that there are errors, typos, plot gaps and what not. I appreciate each and every one of the comments you all have given me. I'm doing my best to keep updating regularly but I'm a busy college senior with 3 jobs, sorority, and a heavy course load. If there are errors it's just that I write these chapters so fast for you guys, I forget to slow down and fix things. You guys are awesome thanks so much for the comments! In the future I will go back and fix the mistakes but I figure you all want the chapters sooner rather than later!****

I've barely just recovered from 3 unfortunate needle sticks when Paylor rushes into the room. I'm watching my skin bubble and mend back together as if there was never a cut. It burns like fire upon my skin, it takes all I have to not grab the glass of water in front of me and hurl it against the wall.

"Katniss, you are positive it was Gale?" Paylor sits in a seat next to me.

"Yes." I admit and delve into telling her the necessities of tonight's events.

She think about everything I've just said then speaks softly, "He was foolish to come here. From now on Katniss, please do not go anywhere alone. We don't need something like this to happen again. I think just to be safe, you two will stay here for a few days. I don't want to risk exposing you if the rebels are in the Capitol."

She tells Peeta to make sure I don't go anywhere alone, and I see the reason why. I've never been one to follow directions, Peeta will have his hands full if I'm determined to go somewhere. Once we are back to our room Peeta collapses on the bed, as I rummage around for clean clothes. I find a blue t-shirt of his and head for the shower with my other clothes. I stand in the scorching water for almost an hour before I feel better. I slide into my warm leggings and Peeta's comfy shirt, my skin still pink from the hot water. Peeta's eyes are barely open when I flop on the bed.

"You have enough clothes for five girls and you wear my shirts?" He smiles and plucks at the baggy shirt.

I snuggle into his body and reply, "It makes me feel more protected."

He kisses me gently, "I can protect you more than a shirt can."

I kiss him a bit harder than normal, and he gently backs off. I'm sure the disappointment registers in my eyes.

"Peeta, please just kiss me this one time and don't hold back." I beg as my hands curl around to the back of his neck.

He softly presses his lips against my own our bodies pressing together. I love the feeling I get when Peeta wraps around me, it's a feeling of security and happiness. It doesn't take much for us to get carried away, after months of being cautious. It's like kissing him again for the first time, there's a need within my body that has been held back for too long. I hitch my legs around him and let him fall closer to me. He is absorbed in the feeling as well, his hands traipsing all over my body.

I know he won't be happy once he realizes I've tricked him into this. I didn't have to pretend to be so needy, he knew how I felt. The recent events of tonight helped my odds with this as well. He couldn't say no to me, because I knew him to well. Deep down inside him he was feeling guilty and angry that he was not there when Gale broke into the building. It wasn't right of me to play into his feelings like that, but I've craved this closeness for too long.

Peeta continued to kiss me for the longest time, simply trying to make me happy. He was successful in that aspect. I am never happier than I am in his arms or when he kisses me. He sweetly obliges me for the better half of an hour. Before I am finished kissing him my lips are swollen as are fresh new marks on my neck. I lay my head on his shoulder and snuggle into his warm body.

"Peeta, tell me about your dreams. Your happy ones." I whisper wanting to know more about the pretty things he draws when he remembers his dreams.

He runs his free hand through my loose hair, "I dream about putting flowers in your hair for our wedding. I dream about you and nothing makes me happier when I get those dreams. I dream of you dancing is the rain, and learning how to make bread with me."

My breath hitched in my chest, he had the same dream about us baking together. Behind my closed eyes I could see the perfect dream again. I had to tell him about it, it was now or never.

"I had that dream, too. Us baking together smiling and happy." I smile despite remembering the place where I had the dream.

"You did?" He breathes, "When?"

"In the arena, when I collapsed on the prairie." I mutter, my fingers plucking at his shirt.

His hand quiets my own, "I figured something beautiful was going on in your head at that moment. You looked so peaceful…"

"Because you bring me peace Peeta." I say heavily as my eyes refuse to open even for the briefest of moments.

"Good night darling." He whispers with a soft kiss on my cheek.

Despite the events of the night I experienced my first night of peaceful slumber. I woke up to Peeta laying beside me, drawing a picture. I watch his skillful hands shade and etch the page with soft grey lines. The picture is of me, in a long dress, what I can only imagine is what Peeta envisions me in for our wedding. Little flowers are twisted into my hair, underneath a sheer veil. The detail on the dress is by far the best I've ever seen. It was nothing like the gaudy contraptions the capitol gave me. It was simple, and delicate. I watch Peeta work diligently on the picture, his face relaxed and a small grin plays on his lips. He looks so happy when he is drawing or painting. This expression is nothing compared to his demeanor when he's baking.

He glances over at me and smiles when he sees I am awake, "You should have said something darling."

I push my finger on his lips, "I like watching you."

He smiles and pulls me out of bed, "Come on I have something planned for us today."

I cock my eyebrow at him. I knew we were strictly supposed to stay in the mansion due to the rebels getting too close for comfort. I think about how things have changed, not so long ago I was the rebel pulling one over on the capitol. Now I'm working with the capitol to squander these few bold resisters. Peeta is quickly getting ready in the bathroom, feeling particularly bold I decide to push his limits. I strip to my underwear and feign indecision while looking into my closet. I hear him walk out of the bathroom, and stop a few feet from me. I smile and turn toward him, seeing his eyes rake up my body.

"What should I wear?" I muse and hold up a dress.

Peeta continues to stare at me, "nothing you wouldn't want to ruin. We're going to get messy."

I find a violet t-shirt and opt for another pair of leggings that I like to sleep in. I wrap a silken scarf around my neck to hide the marks from Gale's hands and Peeta's lips. Peeta still looks rather unsettled by my little act, as I disappear into the bathroom to braid my hair. It isn't long before I am following him down to the depths of the mansion. We turn down dark hallway after dark hallway until we pass through dark double doors. Inside I find an old rustic kitchen, probably used by servants long ago.

"Peeta!" I hiss, "I don't think we should be down here!"

He smiles and pulls me further into the kitchen, "Nonsense, darling. I made sure we could use this place."

I smile and watch Peeta rush around grabbing things and setting them out on the center island. It isn't until he puts out flour and other ingredients that I figure out why we are here. He is acting out the dream both of us have had, baking together. A wide smile creeps onto my face and Peeta beckons for me to join him at the counter.

"Come on, I'm going to teach you how to make a very special bread." Peeta smiles widely.

I stand next to him observing as he tell me measurements and ingredients to add. After we've added the ingredients, I become eager to learn how to continue the bread making process. He halves the dough and sprinkles flour over the counter. He flicks a little bit of flour in my direction and laughs at my reaction. Peeta makes kneading the dough look effortless. He moves so quickly, his arms and shoulders flexing and rippling. I am too distracted by the sight of him to even move my dough around. He is working so diligently that a sheen of sweat breaks upon his forehead. I'm completely lost thinking of him holding me in those arms, his back exposed for my hands to devour. Before I realize Peeta has stopped, he's caught me staring at him chewing my bottom lip feverishly.

The slyest of smiles works upon his lips, "Distracted are we?" He muses.

I blush, naturally embarrassed that I've been caught literally undressing him with my eyes. He moves behind me and presses his body against my back. His arms wrap around my own and encompass my hands. He gently maneuvers my hands to fold the dough in on itself. It's a gentle give and take, an ebb and flow of sorts. His lips press against my neck every now and then as he maneuvers his hands over mine. The oven has heated up the air around us, fueling the fire within your bodies. I cannot handle the anticipation anymore and twist to find his lips. Our hands leave flour and doughy marks on each other's clothes. Our bodies are needy and flushed, as I break away for air.

I'm incredibly affected by everything about him, it consumes every fiber of my being. I want nothing more than to share my whole self with him, but that wish will never come true as long as we are in the capitol. I pick a piece of dough off his shirt, trying to forget my desperate wishes.

"I know…" He admits, the undertone of agony and regret in his voice stings like a cut.

"Just don't talk about it… I don't want to ruin this." I motion to the mess we've created in the kitchen.

Before I know it Peeta has shown me how to add other things like nits and berries to the dough and then form them into loaves. He sticks them into the oven and returns to my side. I've cleared off a spot on the counter and poised myself on the wooden surface. Our adventure in the kitchen turned to chaos with an innocent flick of a towel on Peeta's behalf. Flour and bits of dough are smeared all over us and the kitchen. I've wrestled Peeta to the ground and lay gasping for air, flour sprinkling out of my hair. Peeta softly wipes my face clear of flour and I return the favor, remembering hurling the powder into his face after he dumped it in my hair. The kitchen is in a complete state of ruin, as the warm nutty smell of bread begins to waft from the oven. It's then that I remember the smell of the bread. It was the bread that saved my family's life. The burned bread that Peeta chanced a beating to give to me so I wouldn't starve. I softly caress the cheek and eye socket where I remember the ugly bruise on his young face. His single act of defiance led to the greatest relationship of my life.

"I remember." I whisper and bring my lips back to his.


	20. You deserve much better than this

_ I know I've been gone forever! I can't even begin to tell you the major amount of work I've been working through for college, sadly this just had to go to the wayside so I could apply for student teaching, and pass my midterm exams. You all have been so patient, so here is my reward to you. You all are excellent readers, I love seeing your reviews, it truly brightens up my dreary winter days at school! _

Peeta and I are cooped up in the mansion under constant close observation. I don't mind at all, the long hours I spend with Peeta doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. We baked… well he bakes and I watch him. We spend hours listening to the radio and dancing together, enjoying the simplicity of it all. The long days and nights were doomed to never last. After two days Paylor decided it would be safe to send us out for another interview, with my particular favorite, Caesar Flickerman.

I woke in the morning, terrified to find Peeta was not next to me. My worst fear has been realized, my boy with the bread was gone.

"Peeta!" I yell scrambling from the tangled blankets on the bed.

I've just managed to untwist myself from the blankets when the bathroom door bursts open and Peeta emerges.

He rushes to the bed and sits by me, "Katniss, I'm right here."

I finally remember to breathe and wrap my arms around his neck and cling to him for dear life.

"I thought you left me!" I whisper into his shoulder, "I'm so afraid you'll be taken from me. They've taken Prim and almost everyone else I love. I'm scared they will get you, too."

He sighs and hugs me tightly, "They will have to go through hell and back to get me to leave you.

He is content to just hold me until I feel secure enough to let him go. He hands rubs small circles into my back, while I take comfort in his strong arms. I'm not ready to release my grip on him when she stirs a little.

"Darling, we have to get going. We need to be prepped for the interview." He says softly.

I know very well it only takes his team about an hour to prep him, where as it takes hours upon hours to get me camera ready.

I loosen my grip on his and whisper into his ear, "I love you."

He kisses my cheek and whispers the same back. The morning flies by in a blur of me scrambling to get dressed and ushered to the car. We are escorted everywhere and Haymitch joins us in the car for added support.

"Paylor wants you two to stay away from answering questions about the security intrusion. Don't let them know Katniss was singled out by it, and certainly don't let them know why we've kept you out of the public eye for the past few days. I'm trusting Mellark to come up with a good lie." Haymitch tells us in the car as we near our destination.

He smirks at me, "No offense sweetheart, you are a horrible liar. Let him lay on the charm and feed the crowd and Caesar things they want to hear."

Peeta chuckles and pats my leg, as we pull up to our prep center. I wave goodbye to Haymitch and follow our escorts into the familiar prep rooms. As usual, I am stripped of body hair, washed, styled and made up to perfection. My dresses have taken to a different style. Long gone are the filmy summer dresses. The chilly fall has set in and I crave warmth. The dress she puts me in today is stunning. A deep purple stretchy dress with sleeves that stop at my elbow. I am wearing black sheer tights and a pair of heeled dark grey boots. It is simple and comfortable, something I am grateful. The dress may be a little too far on the revealing side, it does appear to be painted on me.

Our prep sessions have become less rigid and more relaxed as our time has extended in the Capitol. My team still prefers to prep me away from Peeta so they can bring me to him and see the effect I can have on him. He can be counted on to rave about my appearance and overly flatter my team. It is very cute and something I look forward to each time I have to be prepped. It's one of the most important part of this process for me, I imagine Cinna asking me to twirl for him. I can only ever oblige the idea, owing Cinna for his life so readily destroyed because of me.

We are escorted from the building with more guards and rushed quickly to the building in the heart of the Capitol where we will meet with Caesar. It is much different this time. A set of guards is always with us, ever watching and observing. We aren't standing around waiting like we did before, there is a sense of urgency as the stage buzzes with activity. It isn't long at all before Caesar announces our arrival on set. Peeta grasps my hand and pulls me into the view of the cameras. I can almost hear Effie reminding me to smile.

"Peeta and Katniss, welcome back! I dare say it is an honor to get to interview you two again." Caesar beams widely.

Peeta jumps right into being charming, "Thank you Caesar, we're excited to be back here."

I do admit to liking Caesar's interviews, he his lighthearted and genuinely means well. I can't blame him for the place he grew up and the career he was in.

"Katniss, I dare say we have missed you in the spotlight, what has been going on lately?" Caesar prods after a long winded exchange with Peeta.

The recent memory of Gale and the rebels flashes in my mind and the particularly horrible dreams that have plagued any chance of sleep that I manage to claim.

I forcibly smile and look at Caesar, "There is just so much to do around the Capitol. We are out so late, I just needed a few days to sleep in."

Peeta smiles and nods along, his fingers intertwined in my own. I really am a horrible liar and Caesar was not convinced at all. I felt the bright lights of the stage get even hotter.

"Oh now Katniss, you don't expect us to believe that. Tell us what is really going on."

Peeta takes control of the conversation and smiles, "Okay… you caught us. We took a couple days to start planning our wedding."

The crowd devoured that bombshell. Of course what Peeta said wasn't exactly a lie, we did talk a lot about our future and the plans that awaited us when we left the capitol. We played along divulging information of the wedding I wanted. A spring wedding back in 13 in a little meadow with just a few people.

"What about children? Can we expect you to start a family right away?" Caesar asks brightly.

I peer at Peeta, this is definitely a question I didn't want to answer. I knew how Peeta felt about children and I knew we stood on polar opposites on the matter. He squeezed my hand and turned to Caesar.

"Not right away, Caesar!" Peeta laughs it off. "I would love to have kids, but it is up to Katniss after all. I don't want to rush her especially after what happened after the quell."

The crowd sighed remembering that I had lost the baby in the aftermath of the quell. I took my cue to look particularly sad about the matter. I wondered slightly would it would be like to have Peeta's baby, of course would have to be together for that to happen. That point alone wouldn't happen until we left the capitol he was adamant about that. I felt horrible for Peeta, wanting nothing more than a family to fulfill the one he had lost in district 12. They never treated him nice, I couldn't imagine just how badly he wanted to have a family of his own to do nothing more than simply love them. I couldn't deny that Peeta would be a good father, he would dote upon his children and always care for them. I suddenly felt horrible for taking the pills that would make sure I wouldn't have a baby, how could I do this to Peeta. He has done nothing but make me happy, why couldn't I be more than happy to have a baby with him? It's what soon to be married people talked about, right? People who got married should want to have children, what was wrong with me?

The rest of the interview flew by as my mind was otherwise occupied with my future with Peeta. When the lights of the stage flickered off I was shaken out of my reverie. Peeta noticed how off I was and pulled me aside the stage, his eyes light and concerned.

"Are you okay?" He asked sweeping his thumb across my cheek.

Leaning into his touch I shrug, "Peeta, I've been so selfish…"

He looks confused at my comment and rubs his hands across my shoulders, "Katniss, you've been nothing but understanding of me. What are you talking about, darling?"

Tears prick my eyes, the guilt raging inside me, "A baby, Peeta."

"I told you, I don't care, Katniss. I really don't. As long as I have you, I will be happy."

Shaking my head, "No you're not Peeta. Look me in the eye and say you don't want a baby and I will believe you."

He looks into my eyes and I see that he can't even lie to me. He tries so hard to mask his emotions but the answer is playing clearly on his face. He wanted children and he was hurt because I didn't. I felt horrible, guilt chewing away at me. Peeta looks at me with those eyes I can't get enough of.

"Katniss, darling… Please stop looking like you've just done something horrible. Please let's just talk about this when we get back. Not here, not in public." He whispered, kissing my forehead.

I wanted to cry, and yell at him for being so nice to me, "Let's go please." I whimpered.

Realization struck me as Peeta obliged and tightly held my hand. He led us back out of the studio followed by more escorts. Of the interviews we've done with Caesar, we always ended up arguing. It seemed strange that it happened so regularly, I wonder if Peeta noticed. We reached the lobby area, the escorts turned to Peeta.

"You are going home separately; Paylor needs you to go to another interview." One escort said to Peeta motioning to the waiting car outside.

Peeta kissed me goodbye and followed the escorts out the door. That's when I knew something was off. They knew I wasn't supposed to be left alone… ever. I looked around, and noticed another pair of escorts walking swiftly towards me. Nothing made sense anymore, they were dressed just the same as the ones Peeta left with. That's when it clicked, I screamed for Peeta. Who ever they were they had tricked us. I worked quickly to unlatch my knife and run for the imposters.

"Peeta!" I yelled, making my move for him but I was grabbed by one of the escorts I recognized.

The other charged after Peeta who was fighting off the imposters and failing. The escort restraining me knocked the knife out of my hand as I thrashed against him. The other real escort was shot by one of the fakes ones. The gunshot sounding like the all familiar canon in the arena. Peeta was dragged through the glass doors and into the waiting car. I watched as more real escorts took on the fake ones who seemed to be coming from all different directions. Gun shots sounding outside, screams of terror from innocent citizens erupting after the shots.

I was pushed to the ground next to a couch, the escort shielding my body with his. I was sobbing horribly now. The man shielding me was yelling into a device over my crying. Peeta was taken from me by a group of very well disguised imposters. I had no idea if he was dead on the street or thrown into a car and driven away. Both options meant I wouldn't be seeing him for a long time. That did nothing but make me angry, angry enough to throw off the man and bolt for the door. He proved to be faster than I though and his arms reahed around my body and lifted me away. He hurried me down a hallway and into a dark room.

"What are you doing? We need to go get Peeta!" I sobbed making a break for the door he was blocking.

He stood before me, unwavering, "Mockingjay, you are staying right here. There is nothing we can do about Peeta right now."


	21. Fight For It

It seemed like hours before I was allowed out of the dark room, only after Haymitch had arrived with more officials. He burst through the door and regarded me with solemn eyes. I had tried to push past the guard with me one too many times. He resorted to handcuffing my wrists around a pillar in the room, giving me no choice but to sit on the ground and cry. Haymitch kneeled next to me, watching the silent tears roll down my face. "Sweetheart, we will get him back."

He pulled out a key for the handcuffs and gently removed them from my bruised and cut wrists. I spent a good portion of my time trying to pull my wrists out of them. Once I was freed from the cuffs Haymitch pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. I'd never been so thankful for my mentor, for all the times he's tested and comforted me. "C'mon sweetheart, were going to get you back to Paylor's Mansion." I felt numb, completely numb as Haymitch steered me down the hallway and out to a waiting car. Around the front of the building was blood, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was Peeta's. Was he hurt, had they already killed him?

The escort who managed to remove me from danger, his last words chilled me to the core "There is nothing we can do about Peeta right now". And he was right, so completely right. I could do nothing to help him. No one knew where he was or if he was alive. I didn't feel alive either, the world around me seemed to slow down. I could see Haymitch's lips moving, but I heard nothing. As we pulled up to the mansion I didn't want to move. Paylor would ask questions, and I wouldn't have answers. No one would have answers. I knew how this would play out. I'd get angry or cry, maybe even both. I had that right.

Haymitch maneuvered me through the halls of the mansion to the room where we'd meet with Paylor. I sat down and waited for the deliberations to start. I couldn't even sit still, and thought about standing up but Paylor burst into the room, holding a folder.

"Is she okay?" Paylor asked as she looked at me softly, before turning to Haymitch.

I felt Haymitch stare at me, "I think she's in shock. She hasn't said much of anything. I don't blame her. He… Mellark… he is… we need to get him back." Haymitch glanced at me. He knew what Peeta was to me. The thing that kept the nightmares away, the love of my life. The boy I wanted by my side for the rest of my life. Haymitch had to help me get him back, because deep down Haymitch knew that Peeta was the glue that held me together. Even as a Victor, I was broken, so was Peeta, and even Haymitch.

I barely listened to the conversation around me because the answers they had to give broke my heart. "Do we know where he is?" I heard Haymitch ask.

Paylor's silence answered that question, my heart throbbed painfully. Not even a clue?

"Are we certain he's alive?" Haymitch continued on, why was he even asking? Even I could answer that. My grief had turned into rage now.

"Haymitch…" I heard her say, she was trying to be considerate of my feelings. I knew that she knew the answer she should say, but she didn't want to say it infront of me.

"Just say it." I barked, "He's probably d…" I couldn't even finish the word. _Dead_. Peeta was probably dead, more likely that he was already the longer it took for us to find him. "He's… he's…" I choked, and began to try and hold back my sobs. Paylor's eyes softened and I saw her motion to a guard to remove me.

Haymitch waved off the guard, "I've got her." Haymitch ushered me out of the room, just in time for more tears to fall. He led me to his room, where he gently pointed me toward the couch. "Sit, sweetheart."

I sunk down into the cushions and pulled my knees to my chest, losing Peeta before wasn't so bad. Back then I didn't know how much I needed him, how much I loved him. Now I knew what Peeta was to me, the love of my life, the solid foundation. He was gone and I had nothing left to hold me up. I was crumbling with each minute he was gone.

Haymitch was tinkering with something at the table before he walked over and sat next to me. I didn't give him a chance to try and trick me I knew what he was doing, "You don't have to trick me…" I gasped a tearful sigh, "I'll… I'll take it willingly.." The tears poured out faster, I knew he drugged the glass of orange juice in his hand. I could smell the sleep syrup in it. I took the glass into my shaking hands and downed it.

Haymitch pulled me into his arms, "Go on and let it out, sweetheart." He breathed, gently rubbing circles into my back.

I continued to cry, feeling groggy already. "Why did they do it!" I whimpered. "Why Peeta… Why…" my body wracked with crushing sobs.

"Katniss, I promise we will find out why." Haymitch breathed, "You get tonight to cry, but tomorrow you need to start fighting. Fight for him."

I nodded, my lips feeling numb like the rest of my body. The sleep syrup grabbing hold of me now. Fight for him, I had to, if he couldn't fight for himself where ever he was. I would do it, I'd do anything to get him back. Sleep finally claimed me.


End file.
